Shakahnna (weskerismybitch) wrote,

Dared the knife and took the blade.


My absolutely favourite thing about the first Resident Evil game, or rather my favourite person wasn’t actually Wesker. Obviously I’d have given him one but he actually wasn’t my original reason for infatuation with the series. Granted he was the person who I was most looking around to see during RE2 but just to have a perv. The fact he murdered Enrico as well, it looked as though he was going to be something quite special if they brought him back. There was something really quite fascinating about him being impaled like I used to watch that holding my breath.

At the time I was a bit Almighty Uterus, this of course because at the time no one had shown me how much of a fucking whore a woman could be. Like the only people who I ever really seen doing bad things were men and so I was quite convinced of the superiority of my own sex.  But then seeing the troubles facing my male friends, how women would treat other woman and watching just the horrible things they’d do to have “a man” it does kinda put things into perspective unfortunately. Not to mention when there is a man as amazing as my bug around, it also gives a big whack of points to the other team. This is relevant because I was about 13/14 at the time and what I looked for in games WAS strong women. I wanted to see examples of people who would be worth looking up to. Not really sure how much of that there is currently, good role models are quite scarce to find. Obviously violence too but as far as personality types go.

My mum’s stance on it was that I should find a big strong man (like she had) to take care of her but the idea of that absolutely appalled me. It would be fine to have a similarly strong man or even a stronger one than me, just not for the purposes of taking care of me. I should be able to do that myself. My gran was exceptionally strong, she had been a fighter too before she had gotten sick. But I hadn’t seen much of that. Just the outcome that she was always in pain but she always smiled when we came to see her. It’s the sort of strength you appreciate more later on. Like at the time I knew she was awesome but just not how much.

But Jill was amazing. Like I played her game first and she was just the most awesome thing ever. You don’t notice how cheesy the dialogue is until years later like many fans I was young when I started to play. At the time the game was so involving but also beautifully balanced. Everyone there did exactly just the right thing. They relied on each other for various tasks as a team should but they also all had their own independence. Even to some degree Rebecca who would insist on being useful even when Chris said she should come with him. It was one of the most comforting parts of the game actually, where you’d enter that corridor and could just hear the music and occasional bum note it was one of the few kinda releases of tension. Chris actually had a bit more of that like you could go back and be in a room with another living person if need be. Not to mention Jill had the larger health bar as well, suggesting that Chris had more problems when getting bitten. She was just beautifully kick arse in that game, being able to take care of stuff and actually figuring out what was going on before anyone else had. That’s the sort of woman that anyone should strive to be.

Why? Because if you aren’t strong, then you are weak. And if you are weak then you will hurt the people you love and yourself. Everyone is so busy worrying about completely the wrong things and I don’t understand it at all. I want to see more of classic Jill. I want her wearing combat attire and I want her kicking fucking cunt. I want there to be a move where you kick people in the nuts and I want her to do it to anyone who gives her shit. I don’t fucking care if her hair is brunette, blonde or fucking purple. I don’t care if they give her a plastic surgery body though I’d prefer if she looked like a solider just so long as she was as keeping up with Chris. No random super power or any of that bullshit. (and while we are at it, I want Chris angry, really raging at the man who killed his friends. And Wesker to not give a shit. Because he has big balls.)

And that’s why am not loving the recent incarnations of her. She’s the only person save Leon to get a game pretty much to herself. But in Rebirth she kept tripping over, Chris didn’t. Barry didn’t. Wesker didn’t. But Jill did? Was she less of a crack cop than those guys? Cause you know I was sure that ... you know to be there at all you had to be... a bit more than stupid dumb slut bimbo who fucks some guy she’s just met in a horror movie type of girl. Not to mention throwing up at the bath zombie as well. As opposed to in the original where it was ONLY Chris who had an optional freak out moment during your first meeting with the hunter.  During RE5 Jill was supposed to be a super powered NE-T powered killing machine. One shot with your gun... DED. I hit Wesker like a fucking million times (that’s another less wholesome story) . And then oh SORRY guys! I have to lie here and be useless. It annoys me.

Has anyone else noticed that? I AM SO TOUGH, I AM SO TOUGH! Then a man appears and OMG HALP SPIEEADAR!!! Are there no kinda just consistently great people to be kicking around? I don’t want the woman to perform one super awesome show of super human ability and then just suddenly forget that they know how to defend themselves. Ada in Separate Ways was actually fairly amazing. Just got on with her shit and did what needed to be done. Granted she did end up tied up in the dock but then Leon had her help and a rocket launcher is a pretty big tick in the WIN FOR ME box.

Fucking hell that game was beautiful. I love RE1, I think I want to go forth and spend hours making sweet console love to it. Everything about that was wonderful and I think RE has probably jumped the shark. Like I doubt we are going to see a game like that again. Although once the sort of casual gamer thing goes away perhaps then.


I’m not fucking sad Wesker is dead. The more I play that game, the more I see the plot without the stim of playing the new RE game, I just... the more angry I get about the whole thing. Playing it was partially so amazing because of who I was playing it with. But it was so short, it just felt like it was too quickly done. RE4 at least had alternative routes to a degree, there were cut scenes that you’d not get unless you went a certain route. And the story for RE4 while quite basic was also not completely retarded. Having Umbrella disappear was a mistake but there is little else to fault them on. Just what were the guys thinking? Really? Why was everyone so completely flat?

I actually realized tonight where they stole the completely fucking shit angle for Wesker from. It's fucking Sephiroth from FF7. Amazing solider who turns out to be a bad guy. Gets uber super powers, finds out he's a clone and decides that he wants to kill everyone. Starts with the old man who was his father figure.... does any of that sound familiar? Fucking shame on you people.

And the deaths were absolutely rubbish. The death reel for RE4 was totally fappable type good, especially the scenes with Leon and Krauser, even if Leon himself isn’t all actually that nice to look at.


I read one of those fucking shitty adverts on Face-book. “Loose a dress size by some twat, feel great!” Now listen cunt-face and let me explain, Losing a dress size is not going to make me feel great. Unless I lose it because someone is fillet strips of skin from me. And if they are taking enough I shrink a whole dress size, then you bet your skiny little white boy arse, it would make me feel great. But I fucking BET that is not what they meant. The cunts.

Ha ha though Word does now recognize cunt as a word which is handy since it’s currently my favourite word. Word Bingo. Bingo.


Since I am no longer on the verapamil I can actually fucking drink again. And so drinking I have been doing. It had been wonderful, I have been jolly for just about every night for a fortnight (and I wrote this like fuck three weeks ago now? I totally need to finish shit and just post). I found I had like shit loads of bottles of Sherry just... sitting there waiting to be drunk. Probably because I had them given to me over the past year and I’ve just not touched them. What a pleasant way to ease myself back into the mood. It’s wonderful, I fucking love drinking. Am still drinking like a fucking girl though like half a litre of Sherry is just about enough. I assume when I am not so weak and useless that my constitution will return to it’s former glory.  

I mean I do understand that at some point this week I should have a nice sober evening. But that will not be this evening for fucking sure. £5.50 a bottle? I mean that is damn fucking good stuff. Not to mention it’s like 5% stronger than the Harvey’s. Why Sherry? I seriously have no fucking idea. We had Sherry trifle on my b-day. I had not much, two glasses and then was like... hmm this is quite good. I SHALL HAVE MORE. And I did and it was also good.

And I feel oddly excited about something but fucked if I know what. Like apprehension kicking about and I know that should be bad but is nice to have a bit of whimsy in there.


- This is currently my favourite song currently. I swear it makes me absolutely twitch probably just because can you get blue balls except for violence?



Health is still quite pish. Blood thinners mean no bleeding. No bleeding does NOT MAKE FOR A HAPPY SHAK. I can’t even explain because most people avoid pain anyways so it’s a difficult to get across what it is that I am lacking. I can feel that fucking thing tearing at my insides as well, it’s fucking horrible. I always know it’s there. But then first bad night in awhile so perhaps to take that with a pinch of salt.

Also was hospitalized over the weekend. NHS 24 sent around the paramedics (cause I had just called to see if I should maybe visit my doctor.) and they sent around a fucking ambulance. The minute I mentioned chest and left arm pain they were like OMG HEART ATTACK (No one was more surprised than me. I was like noooooo it’s just the usual chest pain. OMG U DIDN’T TELL UR DOCTUR? HEART ATTACK! DOUBLE BY-PASS) but they came along, checked me out. All my scans were fine so in a feat of immeasurable logic, they took me. Lots of test, poking and prodding’s later and they sent me home being like... oh it’s just a cold. Your airways are aggravated so that’s what is causing the chest pain. Still better than private insurance. I’ve been waiting for absolutely ages now to get the money from the car insurance and they are trying everything NOT to give me it, and some fucking idiots would CHOOSE to have the shitty insurance wankers be the ones in charge of their health? Seriously that’s certifiable type mad.

Personally I am pretty sure it’s the fucking huge bit of metal or plastic (which I got to see on the ECG and it’s like bigger than my fucking fist. How the cunting hell does that fit inside?) but perhaps that is just me.

- After seeing Yiyo’s I think I fancy having one of these. Yes Shak another place to talk about yourself.  Because really the internet just does not have enough of these. Not that I actually have anything to fucking say. Unless I’M DRUNK counts towards charming rhetoric.


Birthday was also quite grand. I should say I’ve written up several entries but to be honest they have mostly been utterly fucking unhelpful and fuck that. Mandy and Candy were lovely. And my boys. I was so spoiled. I totally got DSC and just had an WWWC moment. I have opinions to share on such things (Hooray!)


Actually the real purpose of this was actually to talk about Mileena. Not from MK but my new baby. She’s just the tiniest little thing ever. She was only five weeks old when we got her, was supposed to be much later but her mother rejected her and the owners were starting to become quite scared for her. So I get a call of “OH btw I am on the way with the kittens. Oh yes and you can only get one.” Which was not what I had expected. We called the girls Mileena and Kitana because they were sisters of course. But Kitana was the runt of the litter and so needed to go to someone with a bit more experience than me who didn’t already have two cats (which incidentally I am perfectly sure is not the case and she just wanted a cute kitten. Regardless Kitana is settling down well and that is what the main thing is.) So instead of the two of them, we ended up with just one. But she’s absolutely fucking beautiful like she’s white, ginger and black and so fluffy. I have to get up photos cause she’s a little fucking psycho as well.

Totally isn’t co-ordinated or anything yet so just charges everywhere but it’s more of a bounce than anything else. And just tears off the edge of things. We have a mattress on the floor just now, cause she’s sleeping in our bedroom. But she’s so small that don’t want to sleep in the same room as her in case we crush her in our sleep or something equally horrific. But she’ll run towards the mattress and then just bounce off. It’s darling I mean like she’s so full of energy and just bounding around anywhere. She comes to her food dish when we call her as well. So much stuff to try and train her to do. Thankfully she uses a litter box without any bother so that is one am glad is all done with.

Seriously I absolutely don’t have it in me to do the whole kids thing. Like I am absolutely not ever wiping any things arse. Not ever.

I have to try and get a video of just how she moves because even that is cute. She’s also quite good with bug as well. Will go and cuddle up with him and even fell asleep under the covers with him too. I had fallen asleep and she crawled in with me and slept atop my arm but my face next to hers on the pillow. Just very lively, full of beans and great to interact with. Hasn’t quite learned no claws or teeth on skin yet but we’ll get there eventually I think. It tires me out but absolutely worth it I think.

The problem is that my Subby cat is actually the least independent creature in the whole world. I’ve never really known how to diffuse jealousy because you it’s me. Like seriously I’ve enough time for both of you and let us not have a shit fit here. But with cats it’s even more complicated because it’s not as though I can appeal to his sense of reason because he doesn’t have one. Like can’t pick him up and say you are my best boy and absolutely no other cat is going to take your place (am I actually sitting here fucking talking about cat psychology? Jesus Fucking Christ.) He’s such a loyal wee thing, he comes when he’s called, he fetches, he’ll jump on my shoulder when I pat it, will put his head down to let me kiss it when I say “kisses” and he cries if he’s locked away in a different room for me. Like just sits and yams until I come out. So trying to introduce him to Mileena is going to be quite difficult. He’s seen her once and just kinda hissed. We are rotating them between rooms every hour or two hours just now. It’s cute though cause Mileena won’t sleep anywhere except my clothes and whenever I go through and call her name she starts mewing and runs over to me. Am hoping that they will learn to get along though.

We also had quite a wonderful experience in that when she first came to stay here, she couldn’t purr cause she was too small but then two days ago she actually started and fucking hell. I mean she is a little engine when she gets started. Like she’ll just be so loud and then curl up and fall asleep on my chest. Like that seems to be her favourite place to curl up, so I’ll have her just sitting there while I’m drawing or whatever.

But that is what most of my time has been spent doing lately just spending time with her real. She’s quite a handful, she just cries if she’s locked away because she wants the company which is also kinda adorable but think as she gets older that will be something that changes. Her immabouttopounce face is fucking so cute though.



I think I’m okay. Gonna kick the cold and just get back to it. I guess what it comes down to is that I’ve worked my whole life to ensure that physically I could take care of everyone I loved and those who needed it. Then it’s all gone because of something I was born without but no one fucking noticed. So now if something bad kicks off, I won’t be able to do all those things I trained in and I hate that. But it’s more reason to just keep at it. Falling off the horse once or getting sick is no exsqueeze to fucking quit.  I can still throw a good punch so it’s not like I can’t do anything.


I think I was probably allot more angry when I wrote this like am actually feeling okay. Not quite taken on the whole world but definitely getting there. I think a couple of months will give me some genuine improvement and that will definitely sort most of the problems in my life. Like the bad stuff is one factor.


I seriously cannot believe how many people wanted pictures of them being murdered by a fictious crush. Seriously I don't know whether to be appaulled or proud. You sick fuckers you. Ha ha love it!

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