Truth is that since my Godson died I don’t really have too much creative drive. Like the day to day stuff is fine but drawing, writing, sculpting, none of it is really working at the moment. Which is ironic because I think it would really help. Wee guy saved four different lives and I try to think about that. The funeral was horrible like last time I was at one for someone really close was my granddad. And he had said to me that if I cried at his funeral I would do him a disservice because he had led a good long life and I should be happy for that. So I didn’t cry and I tried so hard to do the same at the wee man’s because everyone else was so sad. But when his papa broke down, just couldn’t help it. Stayed by the grave once everyone else was gone and balled like a fucking baby. Seriously I don’t think I’ve cried in public in my adult life, thankfully was only the boys and another friend there. Just fuck, been two months now and just try to distract myself because thinking about it hurts. I loved that little boy and now the only child in the whole world I actually loved is dead. His mum lost her partner as well but how do you get over losing a child? That little boy was absolutely everything to her and he was a good kid. She was so happy as well, like so happy. Seen her just before it happened and it’s the first time since we were teens I’ve seen her genuinely content and then this happens. I objectively know life is exceptionally cruel. I’ve watched enough documentaries on places like Somalia where oil companies drill for oil, wreck the habitat and leave the only choices for the locals to be starve to death or become pirates and do terrible things to others. Or in Rwanda where they’ll cut off a woman’s hands before raping her and smashing her three month old children into the walls so there is no one to get revenge. Just hits closer to home. Am so angry that he’s gone but that she had to lose them both.
The fact is that I feel very isolated and fairly unhappy. It’s not that the boys don’t feel for me or aren’t exceptionally supportive because they are but they aren’t hurting so it’s harder to related. People are the same as people always are, supportive as long as you don’t talk about it too much and don’t ignore their very obvious attempts to turn the conversation back to them. (Oh well when xyz happened to me). It’s not that I want to bog anyone down with the inside of my head but without being unfair to those around me (and I am.) I feel just off. I guess that is just how it is when someone dies. The rest of the world moves on and you stand there and be miserable and it’s okay as long as you pretend you are happy. It’s not like it’s every hour or every day but more a sort of almost tangible cloud that’s kinda dense enough for me to know that it’s there. I just think about the day he was born and holding him and now he’s in a box under the ground with the worms and the dirt. It drives me to distraction. I know like my friend has lost her little boy and her mum, her grandson and should be keeping that in mind.
In retrospect I’ve never been very good with loosing people.
Had a bit of a relapse a few months back so bouncing back and forth between the hospital and home. Still am slowly pushing forward and was fairly ill around Christmas but it seems to have passed now. For which I am rather glad. It’s pish when am stuck on my back like I fucking hate the hospital. It seems to be the way though, two steps forward and one step back. Am back to doing a small amount of exercise every day and that always makes me feel better like I start to feel a bit more levelled head and like myself when that is the case.
Is always distressing that am the only one of my group of childhood friends who aren’t on pills or in therapy. I didn’t think how we grew up was so bad but I always member how shocked Dave was when he first came to live here of how things are. I wonder went so wrong in all of our lives that we’ve ended up this way. Still that’s always the solution quick! To the pharmacology department. That will definitely solve the problem. That will definitely help.
And so ends the being a goth section of this particular article.
Forward march bitches. It’s all about the distractions.
So what the fuck have I been doing with myself? That my dears is a very fucking good question. Writing seems to be slightly less hard than drawing so I’ve been doing bits and pieces with that. The HG girls are always allot of fun and have found them always to be quite welcoming even to someone who isn’t strictly in the same fandom as them. It’s been really awesome to bounce ideas back and forth with them, like I get periodic bouts of inspiration for just mental stuff which is allot of fun. Haven’t actually done any writing for myself in years (In fact except commissions for my lady, I’ve done almost none.) They always do their best to make one feel quite welcome and is always amazing the level of thought they put into their guys. Plus with all the different verses coming together in one place there are so many different things to play with (Alchemy, time travel, demons, viral augmentation to name a few And all I can think of just now ;).) But it’s a place to just imagine and that’s awesome. Have been enjoying playing about with the stuff there and though up until this weekend I’d written nothing, it seems very slowly to play nice. Usually if am having a good day it can be 5000 words but has been a couple of hundred at most but at least that is something. Am hoping that doing something fun will help.
Am going to take part in a Code Veronica RP where I get to play as Wesker too. Has been ages since I’ve got the chance just to be a bastard to everyone. I think it will be quite therapeutic. Or at very least fun because I can god mod and still have that be perfectly in character. While I probably enjoy playing Shak slightly more I think he’s right up there. Also played Ares God of War for a little while as well which was ace, sort of a love child of those two.
Also there is tumblr now http://shakahnna.tumblr.com if you guys want to come and be duly traumatized. I don’t actually post any art for the most part but have become quite obsessed with the interior decorating tab. I am looking for something suitably banal for Wesker’s room and how it would look. Strange but definitely something I have been enjoying. Also an Ask Shak blog http://askshakshit.tumblr.com I put stuff up on that too.
Been semi regularly getting Dave to spar with me some as well which is always allot of fun. Been trying to take him down as quickly as possible so that hopefully he gets out of breath before I do. Sometimes it works and sometimes not so well ;) It’s fun though and I enjoy stretching my muscles a bit. Sometimes I bite him as well, I particularly enjoy that. Even when I do one day get my arse back to a proper class (insert hearts for eyes here) I won’t be able to bite. Which is a shame because it’s a very underrated way of shitting people up. I member years ago getting the absolutely shit kicked out of me by some guy (Where I learned the very useful ‘don’t turn your back on cunts’ lesson.) and he had pinned my hands behind my back and was sitting on them, had his knees down either side of my head and just kept punching me in the head. Had turned my head and just fucking right into his thigh. Man I cried like a fucking bitch for ages after that because I was so humiliated. Granted I couldn’t have been older than fifteen and this guy was at least four years older than I was so in retrospect I like to think of it as a victory.
And be very grateful that I was not kerb stomped.
Still the fact remains that biting is awesome and you can’t really do proper biting when you are training with someone. Like not the type where you split the skin and can actually rip and tear. Suppose if you did, would be hard to persuade people to train with you anymore and you can’t get any better without practice which goes for everything I think.
Have had the rag for about two months now. Which means getting laid is terrible both with my beautiful self and not solo. And the anaemia which periodically pops it head up to be like BITCH MORE STEAK. Sorry stupid haemoglobin, there is no money for steak so shut up and carry more oxygen. Well that is not strictly true cause there is this amazing butchers that does really great cuts of meat but very cheap, god they do these chicken things that just are sexy for how amazing they taste. But it’s a million years away.
Fandom Wank ahoy!
So the classic RE games have pretty much been my crack as of late. I can’t member how it started but I think it was cause Code Veronica HD was coming out so we thought that it would be ace to play all the earlier games first and then on Christmas play the HD. So Directors Cut was first and just uhhh it’s so fucking good like it still has parts that make me jump. Had played right up to RE3 and then Dave told me he’d never played the first Gun Survivor game so was like RIGHT! We shall fix that! Nemesis is still fucking terrifying incidentally. But yes I did the first play through and I really loved the story in that game. Not just with Ark but with the whole Sheenah Island (I wonder if that is where Sheenah took her name from. I never thought of a connection before now.) What it was doing and how everyone there lived, the way they treated the kids who were there. It was absolutely disgusting but completely perfectly a show of just how cheap life is. It was mentioned in the intro for Code Veronica so obviously it was actually part of the canon. I adore the cleaners that they used as well, there was something very unpleasant about those and I like to think that they were just mindless but sort of controllable and would eat any biologically corrupted or infected material because green blood definitely means not human. I imagine they didn’t even have bodies as such but were just fleshy masses that were shoe horned into suits to look the part. And when they were killed they just melted into mush and eventually water so there was no sign of them ever having been there. Is why I think RE4 was so counter intuitive because it veers away from the logical conclusion of where the games should have gone. Not that it was a bad game at all cause it was fun but it was too far away I think to really be considered part of the series.
RE5, Fear you cannot member might have been a more apt title.
Ahem Yes so anyways cracked out the NTSC-J copies of the games and can actually see why PAL is considered inferior not because just of the colours and such like but the game handling is actually fairly superior. It’s more smooth and your character feels allot more light in movement. It runs allot quicker and so has been that much easier re-unlocking everything again. Been pretty much playing Code Veronica whenever I get the chance. Oh that game =D I still can’t believe they needed an easy mode though, that stuck a cock in my ear and fucked my brain. Oh Director’s Cut. How I adore you <3.
Resident Evil 1.5 has been on my thoughts as well actually like am seriously thinking of doing something in that vein. Like writing something up with Elza and Roy as the main characters and dealing with the Station that they had originally. I still think it’s such a shame that someone actually has a copy but hasn’t made it widely available. Would really love to get to play that demo even just to see how it handles and what it was like. I wonder if the files are available and if there are cut-scenes and what they look like. Really want to go check out what Kendo is like and speak to the original Police Chief or even chase Linda around the sewers for information. See what Ada was like back when she was a scientist. Am thinking I might pull out a bunch of my old magazines and scan or get photos of articles from around that time, maybe chuck a link some place so that other people can read about them as well. I really like the community mind stuff and even if I don’t have the demo to share at least there is something I can do :).
Hmm RE6, I didn’t think I would be interested in because of how cripplingly stupid number five was in allot of places. But they are talking about how Sherry has come back and Leon looks older and there are going to be zombies. The best (and arguably only) really good part of RE5 was the fact that you could play with other people. I member playing with the girls one evening and it was an amazingly fun night. The chance to do that but with zombies is definitely really tempting but I think it’s probably better to just assume nothing and maybe see how it is later. I really don’t want to feed the beast so it’s possible I am not going to be playing. This guy with the scar definitely looks interesting and if it is Steve well that would definitely be awesome. I wonder if Claire is still going to be a tree hugging hippy in this universe ala Degeneration. I suppose the best part of fiction is ignoring the stupid stuff so I shall go forth and do that. As much as I love RE4 (and I do because it’s an excellent game.) anything I think about to do with RE stops before there like it’s never really included because it’s not part of the series.
Think if money wasn’t so tight I’d probably be hyped about Revelations since the demo had actually had some scary stuff in it. Not so sure about the stupid fringe in face (Okay tits fair enough you are appealing to the loser fratboy/fanboy demographic, so whatever fine but who exactly is thinking oh yes, more hair in front of the face. That definitely gets my cock hard.) lady but if that is the only daft thing they have (Is clothing malfunctions only.) then I think I shall be quite happy.
Yes! I am in fact a complete poof and have been kitten fostering. Which basically means taking kittens home and feeding them every few hours and training them to use the sandbox and just making sure that they are comfortable and warm. We’ve successfully rehomed seven kittens and one cat now, so only having the five of ours seems like it’s actually quiet here. Just got in two more cats yesterday who are amazingly anti-social. You’d think that they were feral from just how much they don’t want us to be around. Am hoping that changes soon. Is nice to have something worthwhile to do even while at home and I like cats. We do a few different voluntary stuff just to try and get back to being out and around. Obviously that’s been going on for the last year or so think it’s good because it’s doing something morally correct but also in the sense that it’s good for me as well.
I have a sandfish now. He’s pretty cute
There is new TV that I watch. Except for the comedy stuff like Mock The Week I usually cannot give much of a fuck about TV but we’ve been watching Nikita which is fairly okay. I like Michael allot and Nikita herself is mostly sensible and fairly awesome. Teen Wolf which is actually fucking fantastic like they definitely do horror really right. Am not sure why we decided to give it a go but it ended up being really swell. The cast while young are mature and not annoying like there is very little stupidity and Derek Hale is absolutely delicious. Burn Notice is also ranking fairly high. Season four is a little bit iffy but the finale was still absolutely excellent. I am not sure if strictly they count as my fandoms but aside from DBZ that’s all I’ve been watching.
DragonBall Z is another note worthy mention as well. We watched like the lot up until episode 288 I think. Is amazing cause it’s one of those series that I never thought that I would actually see because it was so huge but we pretty much got through it in under a year just watching a few episodes every night until had seen it all. I can see why it was so huge considering how nicely done it is. It puts forward the idea that you want something you really have to work for it and even being someone amazing doesn’t mean that you are definitely going to get things correct, right away. I love how different the characters are and how brave they can be despite how often terrible their enemies are. I can see why people hated Frieza because he is an absolute cunt.
I think what I love the most has to be the fact that when people have the chance to be a cunt and do something horrible, they don’t. The protagonists are good and trying to do good things and I can get behind them when they do that. Also the heroes are the underdogs and relatively under powered when compared with the people they are fighting. It makes their interaction engaging and fun to watch. I love rooting for them and watching them struggle to achieve their aims. I don’t know how you can’t love someone like Goku and Gohan. Being an adult and having that sort of frame of mind is a wonderfully beautiful thing and I can’t think of anyone better to be working towards keeping earth safe. I also quite adored Krillin for being someone who couldn’t be as strong as everyone around them but in the ending being responsible for all the bad guys being held at bay long enough. There are so many parts during the series where if Krillin had died, no one else would have survived. I love that sort of development. Even Vegeta works very hard to get over the past he had to become a better man. I admire that in a protagonist.
For my birthday my mum had gotten me a book called Goblin’s of the Labyrinth. I had it on my amazon wishlist and was really surprised that she got it but it really did bring back just how much I love that movie. The book itself is fantastic like it’s so quirky and even though the stuff in it is absolutely ridiculously outrageous, it’s quite believable. As far as whimsy goes, that universe is a fantastic place. I ended up watching the movie again and it absolutely rekindled my love for that film. I read a very nice quote about how Jareth was a combination of Sarah’s dreams and nightmares and that is a concept that sits in so well. That this man has all the things she could want but at the same time he is appalling and terrifying and all the stuff that means she has to stay away from him. I think as heroine no matter what you should resist the bad guy (no matter how attractive.) Because it’s the right thing to do and I wonder if that movie inspired me when I was young. In the end she casts him away and he loses his chance to escape from that place. I am really excited to be reading the fourth book in the Return to the Labyrinth manga actually. I member seeing one years ago that was a yaoi doujinshi and being so disappointed but shortly after they released that series and it’s been a nice read. It’s quite short but they do expand allot, I mean it’s still fan-fiction but quite nicely done stuff.
Have been enjoying thinking about that place again (and how perhaps it could be done in a Resident Evil style.) I know the consensus with allot of fans is that there should be a couple between the two but I think the way they did it was excellent. There was a hint that there might be something there but at the end of the day, she was strong and it didn’t matter about his promises cause I think she had grown and understood that he couldn’t be trusted. I like that take home message. The supporting cast are wonderful as well, I love just how different a temperament they all seem to have. I adore Sir Didymus and Ambrosia as a duo as well, you know that the reason why they are still alive is just because Ambrosia has taken them away from danger. Ludo and Hoggle as well are both completely darling in their own way. I might go on a tirade about why I love that film yet.
Also got some copics from my mum as well. I really wish I knew how to use them.
So those last few S ranks (Not A ranks like fucking everywhere tries to say) are not going to get themselves. Linear Launcher is totally mine. Hope you guys are doing well.