Carve your name in my chest

I love the way you break my skin

I always say that I’ll update here but the truth is that my free time is fairly limited and that tends to mean I don’t get much chance. There’s also been a fair deal of unpleasant kicking about but I’ll beast through that and move towards everything else.

Truth is that since my Godson died I don’t really have too much creative drive. Like the day to day stuff is fine but drawing, writing, sculpting, none of it is really working at the moment. Which is ironic because I think it would really help. Wee guy saved four different lives and I try to think about that. The funeral was horrible like last time I was at one for someone really close was my granddad. And he had said to me that if I cried at his funeral I would do him a disservice because he had led a good long life and I should be happy for that. So I didn’t cry and I tried so hard to do the same at the wee man’s because everyone else was so sad. But when his papa broke down, just couldn’t help it. Stayed by the grave once everyone else was gone and balled like a fucking baby. Seriously I don’t think I’ve cried in public in my adult life, thankfully was only the boys and another friend there. Just fuck, been two months now and just try to distract myself because thinking about it hurts. I loved that little boy and now the only child in the whole world I actually loved is dead. His mum lost her partner as well but how do you get over losing a child? That little boy was absolutely everything to her and he was a good kid. She was so happy as well, like so happy. Seen her just before it happened and it’s the first time since we were teens I’ve seen her genuinely content and then this happens. I objectively know life is exceptionally cruel. I’ve watched enough documentaries on places like Somalia where oil companies drill for oil, wreck the habitat and leave the only choices for the locals to be starve to death or become pirates and do terrible things to others. Or in Rwanda where they’ll cut off a woman’s hands before raping her and smashing her three month old children into the walls so there is no one to get revenge. Just hits closer to home. Am so angry that he’s gone but that she had to lose them both.

The fact is that I feel very isolated and fairly unhappy. It’s not that the boys don’t feel for me or aren’t exceptionally supportive because they are but they aren’t hurting so it’s harder to related. People are the same as people always are, supportive as long as you don’t talk about it too much and don’t ignore their very obvious attempts to turn the conversation back to them. (Oh well when xyz happened to me). It’s not that I want to bog anyone down with the inside of my head but without being unfair to those around me (and I am.) I feel just off. I guess that is just how it is when someone dies. The rest of the world moves on and you stand there and be miserable and it’s okay as long as you pretend you are happy. It’s not like it’s every hour or every day but more a sort of almost tangible cloud that’s kinda dense enough for me to know that it’s there. I just think about the day he was born and holding him and now he’s in a box under the ground with the worms and the dirt. It drives me to distraction. I know like my friend has lost her little boy and her mum, her grandson and should be keeping that in mind.

In retrospect I’ve never been very good with loosing people.

Had a bit of a relapse a few months back so bouncing back and forth between the hospital and home. Still am slowly pushing forward and was fairly ill around Christmas but it seems to have passed now. For which I am rather glad. It’s pish when am stuck on my back like I fucking hate the hospital. It seems to be the way though, two steps forward and one step back. Am back to doing a small amount of exercise every day and that always makes me feel better like I start to feel a bit more levelled head and like myself when that is the case.

Is always distressing that am the only one of my group of childhood friends who aren’t on pills or in therapy. I didn’t think how we grew up was so bad but I always member how shocked Dave was when he first came to live here of how things are. I wonder went so wrong in all of our lives that we’ve ended up this way. Still that’s always the solution quick! To the pharmacology department. That will definitely solve the problem. That will definitely help.

And so ends the being a goth section of this particular article.

Forward march bitches. It’s all about the distractions.


So what the fuck have I been doing with myself? That my dears is a very fucking good question. Writing seems to be slightly less hard than drawing so I’ve been doing bits and pieces with that. The HG girls are always allot of fun and have found them always to be quite welcoming even to someone who isn’t strictly in the same fandom as them. It’s been really awesome to bounce ideas back and forth with them, like I get periodic bouts of inspiration for just mental stuff which is allot of fun. Haven’t actually done any writing for myself in years (In fact except commissions for my lady, I’ve done almost none.) They always do their best to make one feel quite welcome and is always amazing the level of thought they put into their guys. Plus with all the different verses coming together in one place there are so many different things to play with (Alchemy, time travel, demons, viral augmentation to name a few And all I can think of just now ;).) But it’s a place to just imagine and that’s awesome. Have been enjoying playing about with the stuff there and though up until this weekend I’d written nothing, it seems very slowly to play nice. Usually if am having a good day it can be 5000 words but has been a couple of hundred at most but at least that is something. Am hoping that doing something fun will help.

Am going to take part in a Code Veronica RP where I get to play as Wesker too. Has been ages since I’ve got the chance just to be a bastard to everyone. I think it will be quite therapeutic. Or at very least fun because I can god mod and still have that be perfectly in character. While I probably enjoy playing Shak slightly more I think he’s right up there. Also played Ares God of War for a little while as well which was ace, sort of a love child of those two.


Also there is tumblr now if you guys want to come and be duly traumatized. I don’t actually post any art for the most part but have become quite obsessed with the interior decorating tab. I am looking for something suitably banal for Wesker’s room and how it would look. Strange but definitely something I have been enjoying. Also an Ask Shak blog I put stuff up on that too.


Been semi regularly getting Dave to spar with me some as well which is always allot of fun. Been trying to take him down as quickly as possible so that hopefully he gets out of breath before I do. Sometimes it works and sometimes not so well ;) It’s fun though and I enjoy stretching my muscles a bit. Sometimes I bite him as well, I particularly enjoy that. Even when I do one day get my arse back to a proper class (insert hearts for eyes here) I won’t be able to bite. Which is a shame because it’s a very underrated way of shitting people up. I member years ago getting the absolutely shit kicked out of me by some guy (Where I learned the very useful ‘don’t turn your back on cunts’ lesson.) and he had pinned my hands behind my back and was sitting on them, had his knees down either side of my head and just kept punching me in the head. Had turned my head and just fucking right into his thigh. Man I cried like a fucking bitch for ages after that because I was so humiliated. Granted I couldn’t have been older than fifteen and this guy was at least four years older than I was so in retrospect I like to think of it as a victory.

And be very grateful that I was not kerb stomped.

Still the fact remains that biting is awesome and you can’t really do proper biting when you are training with someone. Like not the type where you split the skin and can actually rip and tear. Suppose if you did, would be hard to persuade people to train with you anymore and you can’t get any better without practice which goes for everything I think.


Have had the rag for about two months now. Which means getting laid is terrible both with my beautiful self and not solo. And the anaemia which periodically pops it head up to be like BITCH MORE STEAK. Sorry stupid haemoglobin, there is no money for steak so shut up and carry more oxygen. Well that is not strictly true cause there is this amazing butchers that does really great cuts of meat but very cheap, god they do these chicken things that just are sexy for how amazing they taste. But it’s a million years away.


Fandom Wank ahoy!

So the classic RE games have pretty much been my crack as of late. I can’t member how it started but I think it was cause Code Veronica HD was coming out so we thought that it would be ace to play all the earlier games first and then on Christmas play the HD. So Directors Cut was first and just uhhh it’s so fucking good like it still has parts that make me jump. Had played right up to RE3 and then Dave told me he’d never played the first Gun Survivor game so was like RIGHT! We shall fix that! Nemesis is still fucking terrifying incidentally. But yes I did the first play through and I really loved the story in that game. Not just with Ark but with the whole Sheenah Island (I wonder if that is where Sheenah took her name from. I never thought of a connection before now.) What it was doing and how everyone there lived, the way they treated the kids who were there. It was absolutely disgusting but completely perfectly a show of just how cheap life is. It was mentioned in the intro for Code Veronica so obviously it was actually part of the canon. I adore the cleaners that they used as well, there was something very unpleasant about those and I like to think that they were just mindless but sort of controllable and would eat any biologically corrupted or infected material because green blood definitely means not human. I imagine they didn’t even have bodies as such but were just fleshy masses that were shoe horned into suits to look the part. And when they were killed they just melted into mush and eventually water so there was no sign of them ever having been there. Is why I think RE4 was so counter intuitive because it veers away from the logical conclusion of where the games should have gone. Not that it was a bad game at all cause it was fun but it was too far away I think to really be considered part of the series.

RE5, Fear you cannot member might have been a more apt title.

Ahem Yes so anyways cracked out the NTSC-J copies of the games and can actually see why PAL is considered inferior not because just of the colours and such like but the game handling is actually fairly superior. It’s more smooth and your character feels allot more light in movement. It runs allot quicker and so has been that much easier re-unlocking everything again. Been pretty much playing Code Veronica whenever I get the chance. Oh that game =D I still can’t believe they needed an easy mode though, that stuck a cock in my ear and fucked my brain. Oh Director’s Cut. How I adore you <3.

Resident Evil 1.5 has been on my thoughts as well actually like am seriously thinking of doing something in that vein. Like writing something up with Elza and Roy as the main characters and dealing with the Station that they had originally. I still think it’s such a shame that someone actually has a copy but hasn’t made it widely available. Would really love to get to play that demo even just to see how it handles and what it was like. I wonder if the files are available and if there are cut-scenes and what they look like. Really want to go check out what Kendo is like and speak to the original Police Chief or even chase Linda around the sewers for information. See what Ada was like back when she was a scientist. Am thinking I might pull out a bunch of my old magazines and scan or get photos of articles from around that time, maybe chuck a link some place so that other people can read about them as well. I really like the community mind stuff and even if I don’t have the demo to share at least there is something I can do :).

Hmm RE6, I didn’t think I would be interested in because of how cripplingly stupid number five was in allot of places. But they are talking about how Sherry has come back and Leon looks older and there are going to be zombies. The best (and arguably only) really good part of RE5 was the fact that you could play with other people. I member playing with the girls one evening and it was an amazingly fun night. The chance to do that but with zombies is definitely really tempting but I think it’s probably better to just assume nothing and maybe see how it is later. I really don’t want to feed the beast so it’s possible I am not going to be playing. This guy with the scar definitely looks interesting and if it is Steve well that would definitely be awesome. I wonder if Claire is still going to be a tree hugging hippy in this universe ala Degeneration. I suppose the best part of fiction is ignoring the stupid stuff so I shall go forth and do that. As much as I love RE4 (and I do because it’s an excellent game.) anything I think about to do with RE stops before there like it’s never really included because it’s not part of the series.

Think if money wasn’t so tight I’d probably be hyped about Revelations since the demo had actually had some scary stuff in it. Not so sure about the stupid fringe in face (Okay tits fair enough you are appealing to the loser fratboy/fanboy demographic, so whatever fine but who exactly is thinking oh yes, more hair in front of the face. That definitely gets my cock hard.) lady but if that is the only daft thing they have (Is clothing malfunctions only.) then I think I shall be quite happy.


Yes! I am in fact a complete poof and have been kitten fostering. Which basically means taking kittens home and feeding them every few hours and training them to use the sandbox and just making sure that they are comfortable and warm. We’ve successfully rehomed seven kittens and one cat now, so only having the five of ours seems like it’s actually quiet here. Just got in two more cats yesterday who are amazingly anti-social. You’d think that they were feral from just how much they don’t want us to be around. Am hoping that changes soon. Is nice to have something worthwhile to do even while at home and I like cats. We do a few different voluntary stuff just to try and get back to being out and around. Obviously that’s been going on for the last year or so think it’s good because it’s doing something morally correct but also in the sense that it’s good for me as well.
I have a sandfish now. He’s pretty cute
There is new TV that I watch. Except for the comedy stuff like Mock The Week I usually cannot give much of a fuck about TV but we’ve been watching Nikita which is fairly okay. I like Michael allot and Nikita herself is mostly sensible and fairly awesome. Teen Wolf which is actually fucking fantastic like they definitely do horror really right. Am not sure why we decided to give it a go but it ended up being really swell. The cast while young are mature and not annoying like there is very little stupidity and Derek Hale is absolutely delicious. Burn Notice is also ranking fairly high. Season four is a little bit iffy but the finale was still absolutely excellent. I am not sure if strictly they count as my fandoms but aside from DBZ that’s all I’ve been watching.

DragonBall Z is another note worthy mention as well. We watched like the lot up until episode 288 I think. Is amazing cause it’s one of those series that I never thought that I would actually see because it was so huge but we pretty much got through it in under a year just watching a few episodes every night until had seen it all. I can see why it was so huge considering how nicely done it is. It puts forward the idea that you want something you really have to work for it and even being someone amazing doesn’t mean that you are definitely going to get things correct, right away. I love how different the characters are and how brave they can be despite how often terrible their enemies are. I can see why people hated Frieza because he is an absolute cunt.

I think what I love the most has to be the fact that when people have the chance to be a cunt and do something horrible, they don’t. The protagonists are good and trying to do good things and I can get behind them when they do that. Also the heroes are the underdogs and relatively under powered when compared with the people they are fighting. It makes their interaction engaging and fun to watch. I love rooting for them and watching them struggle to achieve their aims. I don’t know how you can’t love someone like Goku and Gohan. Being an adult and having that sort of frame of mind is a wonderfully beautiful thing and I can’t think of anyone better to be working towards keeping earth safe. I also quite adored Krillin for being someone who couldn’t be as strong as everyone around them but in the ending being responsible for all the bad guys being held at bay long enough. There are so many parts during the series where if Krillin had died, no one else would have survived. I love that sort of development. Even Vegeta works very hard to get over the past he had to become a better man. I admire that in a protagonist.


For my birthday my mum had gotten me a book called Goblin’s of the Labyrinth. I had it on my amazon wishlist and was really surprised that she got it but it really did bring back just how much I love that movie. The book itself is fantastic like it’s so quirky and even though the stuff in it is absolutely ridiculously outrageous, it’s quite believable. As far as whimsy goes, that universe is a fantastic place. I ended up watching the movie again and it absolutely rekindled my love for that film. I read a very nice quote about how Jareth was a combination of Sarah’s dreams and nightmares and that is a concept that sits in so well. That this man has all the things she could want but at the same time he is appalling and terrifying and all the stuff that means she has to stay away from him. I think as heroine no matter what you should resist the bad guy (no matter how attractive.) Because it’s the right thing to do and I wonder if that movie inspired me when I was young. In the end she casts him away and he loses his chance to escape from that place. I am really excited to be reading the fourth book in the Return to the Labyrinth manga actually. I member seeing one years ago that was a yaoi doujinshi and being so disappointed but shortly after they released that series and it’s been a nice read. It’s quite short but they do expand allot, I mean it’s still fan-fiction but quite nicely done stuff.

Have been enjoying thinking about that place again (and how perhaps it could be done in a Resident Evil style.) I know the consensus with allot of fans is that there should be a couple between the two but I think the way they did it was excellent. There was a hint that there might be something there but at the end of the day, she was strong and it didn’t matter about his promises cause I think she had grown and understood that he couldn’t be trusted. I like that take home message. The supporting cast are wonderful as well, I love just how different a temperament they all seem to have. I adore Sir Didymus and Ambrosia as a duo as well, you know that the reason why they are still alive is just because Ambrosia has taken them away from danger. Ludo and Hoggle as well are both completely darling in their own way. I might go on a tirade about why I love that film yet.


Also got some copics from my mum as well. I really wish I knew how to use them.

So those last few S ranks (Not A ranks like fucking everywhere tries to say) are not going to get themselves. Linear Launcher is totally mine. Hope you guys are doing well.
Smoking is awesome

(no subject)

I know, I know every time I update this I insist that I am going to update more (doing that thing which really annoys me where I make it sound as though people are bursting down my e-door with demands to know the mundanity of my life) and then I almost never get around to it. I think it’s because it encourages me to moan. Recovery is a sort of forward, back. FORWARD HOORAY! Back. Cunt. Type deal and I don’t want to come here and scream every time it feels like I am not getting ahead. The truth is that I might not be able to do as much as I want but I am definitely doing better. Just so fucking slowly. Want to be awesome nownownow immediately.

I don’t really get the I am about to have a heart attack and die hello floor! Happening anymore so it’s just all progress. Still get tired allot which is frustrating and the pain is pretty much just grit your teeth and get on with it.

Did a little sparring with a friend but I hurt him a bit which I didn’t like so much. Think the problem is I don’t have enough control. Tis how you discern a novice from someone who knows what they are doing. Just how well you can control the force you use. As much as I hate doing form stuff I might need to be doing some of that. Heaven forefend I might have to try something faggy like yoga. Strength my core.



Speaking of faggotry...

On the sort of resident evil front I think allot of the problems that I have with the series now comes allot from disconnection with other fans. RE4 brought the game proper popular appeal. Which is fine you know it means more people might get the chance to be involved with a franchise I love and respect and this is nice. RE4 was also fun and even if I don’t like the story, Leon was nice and I enjoyed butting heads with Salazar and Saddler.

I mean obviously objectively I am aware that sequels are almost always problematic. That is often why the first of any series tends to be the fan favourite or even the second because not enough has changed that clash with your own ideas. Some people don’t want to deviate away from canon at all, some think there are only minor flaws and some think wow this is your arsehole after a horny horse got you from behind. So if you form a very concrete idea about the characters based on an interpretation of the games and things go in a completely opposite direction then it’s hard to want to stick with things. Take things with Steve Burnside for example. There was a very strong hint at the end of CVX that we were going to see him again but nothing came from that. Also Sherry Birkin... where is she?

On a side note does anyone else not think it’s weird that NO ONE has a copy of the RE3.5 game? Even RE1.5 there is a copy of it out there. I was wondering if maybe they just made a few videos to make people think it was going that way when they had no intention of doing so? Anyways.

So if you create a world around the series that then doesn’t exist or even have ideas of how things go and things completely change, is easy to see why people who loved things in the first few games are less impressed with the newer releases. I mean Resident Evil is still the only series that doesn’t have any characters that I really hate. The villains are good villains and the heroes are good heroes so everything works. That doesn’t mean that I particularly love everyone or that I wouldn’t tweak things here or there but it’s not like other game franchises where I actually can’t stand the people involved. And I don’t think that view point would still be around with Operation Raccoon City.

But this I think really think it fractures the fans into separate groups and makes it harder to know who you are going to get along with. It makes it so even people who are completely crazy about the same fandom don’t really have that much in common. If someone was a fan before then at least there would be something to talk about. But now the games are so removed from themselves, it’s kinda like knowing someone from ten years and being best friends with them, they start a new job and you find yourself spending more time with someone else. So do they, you move on but when you meet up you’ve fuck all to talk about. The common ground is gone and think it’s the same lack of familiarity with the series now. And the fans who like what it has become it’s really difficult to speak with. Because really it’s rather not polite to laugh at someone and call them an idiot (regardless of whether they are or not) because they happen to like something you do not. Unless they attack you and make themselves fair game ;). It becomes so much harder to find things you are interested in and harder to relate to people.

It was the same with Wesker, on fan fiction if you were a fan-girl then you argued pointlessly with other fangirls and it was all fairly hostile. Then it was ace to find some other people mainly on DA who it was like ‘YAY fan girl time’ with. But then over the course of time it turns out we don’t really have all that much in common. So I sort of found that I got on better with the slashers because even if I am not into the whole bumsex thing, they at least has a sort of same outlook. They attribute the same sort of personality. RE5 has quite changed that though since it seems that even that group are swinging towards the whole love and misunderstood angle. Which is really just quite ghastly (insert Iron’s soap box rant here) and I think just really sells sort for the sort of monster they could have shown him to be.

Let me be frank (for a nice bit of variety, spice things up.) this is not really all that important. The things in the world which are hurtful and horrible are generally the sort of thing I don’t really talk so much about. Not because it’s a huge scary view but just that the topics are particularly depressing and I don’t want to get bogged down with that. I want to change the things in my life which encourage negative things in other countries (Not buying from ethically dodgy companies etc) but there isn’t really much to discuss. If you don’t care, we probably won’t be friends but we might still have fun together. If you do care, then we agree and there isn’t really anything to discuss. Either way it’s a bit miserable for a general topic of conversation. Plus this is sort of my nerd hub. In which I will use it for what a nerd hub is best for. Being a nerd.


Leading nicely onto to that, I am getting fairly excited about the HD release of Code Veronica X. Not that I am normally particularly interested in the whole HD/Blu Ray bullshit. However a game that I love with sharper graphics sounds like just the ticket. I am really looking forward to getting it and playing it. It’s been a few months since I last played Code Veronica and so am trying to hold off until then. We played it a fucking massive TV for my birthday and it was like being at the cinema type awesome. Can listen to Waugh being awesome and enjoy killing zombies and chasing around Alfred. It will be much fun. I think as far as the series is going it’s something I am genuinely all like YAY about. Revelations might turn out to be completely awesome but it’s on a system I don’t have so is gonna be awhile before can even think about that. Have heard that there is going to be a new Wii system appear as well but am not hugely interested in that at the moment. Video games wise I am really, really looking forward to playing MK9 but I think that is really the only one am going to get to play soon and that I am actively quite OMG about.


I had one of those amazingly disastrous days that where things go amazingly wrong. I was in the shower and had just soaped my hair up. The shower stops working and turns out it is completely fucked. Queue standing over the sink with a cup getting all the suds out of my hair. This was then added by the second of three scart cables on the TV going. My computer made it clear that the hard drive is definitely failing (first lot of funds are going to get my poor puter repaired.) And the DVD player being like haha no. Not a huge surprise because you needed to punch it in the mouth for awhile to get it to open its whore mouth. The day ended where I torn my big toe nail half off my toe. I felt like a total fucking clutz. That’s more or less healing up now though except for being black but it should heal up fine.

Dad does allot of work with house stuff so he got and fitted our shower for like £20 which considering it was going to be £130 for the unit alone I was fairly
pleased about =D.

TV, Sofa, Computer and Boiler.


I have been playing a fucking ungodly amount of Project Zero 2 at the moment. Like it really is just totally fucking mad how much of it we have been playing. Living with another avid gamer definitely helps things right along too. Like we both love Survival Horror as well so that makes things much better. I only played through Fatal Frame 2 the once so have just been going back and unlocking everything 100%. My camera is fully upgraded, completed all the modes and am 95% done on the spirit list now. So getting very close to having everything done with it. Which is nice because I’ve actually gotten to know the game fairly well now and the story in it was very nice. I member not being as fond of this one but I have really, really warmed up to it since doing this. I really love the Yae and Sae costume that you get. It’s really nice how each of the houses have their own stories and tragedies that have led to them being restless. Same with all the passive spirits that you come across as well who all have a factor that has kept them tied. The blood ring side quest especially really grabbed my attention and I really enjoyed playing that as well. The Kiryu twins were another one where Akane ended up losing her soul after having to murder her twin as well. Seemed that except for Mr Kurosawa since he was a remaining and there didn’t seem to be anything fantastically terrible that came from him.

I was thinking perhaps the fact that Mukabe had accepted his fate was why his sacrifice didn’t work nearly as well as it should have. One of the factors of that ritual was the pain element and being afraid and resisting your fate was part of that but he did not. Mutsuki and Itsuki being the opposite like Mutsuki was not accepting of his fate and that turmoil prevented him from becoming a butterfly in the end. Or perhaps there was someone else special in his life and having to leave them was what bothered him. Ituski was such a damn sweetie though, I felt so damn sad for him. Think is probably a big mistake even to use people who are so young because often they lack the perspective that ages brings. Pain for a few to prevent the pain of many isn’t done to hurt them or cause them suffering because it is desired but because it is needed to stop everyone who comes into contact with the village dying a horrible lingering death.

It’s really made me want to go back and play number 1 and 3 again as well. Am on a bit of a more retro game kick at the moment. Seeing Yae again and what her fate was is definitely going to be much more sad having just played number 2 recently.


It’s not that I hate Silent Hill 2 like not by a long shot. Just it’s not my favourite of the series and I didn’t really think any of it was scary. I was really disappointed after how much I had adored the first and it seemed to stray quite heavily away from that. It’s the whole going away in a direction that I didn’t much care for factor again. I don’t think it was intelligent or that it was amazing. I liked numbers 3 and 5 much better. Actually I really like the thing with Heather and Alex, I think that could be amazing. I’d love to see a two player game where you got to control those two. I think I took very little inspiration from SH2. It really might also be the fact that the chainsaw was just about useless and that gave me the rage.


I’ve been doing ALLOT of clay stuff recently like I got this amazing new clay and it’s really, really fucking cheap (Less than £1 per pack) which is why I had to stop using the fimo because it really was just too much money but it’s so cheap but it’s also so damn nice. It’s really soft and mixes like blood and sex seriously. Fimo can take an age but like ten minutes and you’ve got it just the way you want. Oh it definitely makes me hurt thinking about how amazing it is. Probably that excitement which has got me sculpting like mad. I’ll probably kick up the drawing stuffs again soon but for right now I just want to play with my clay. It’s so much fun and I’ve not had the chance to do it in ages so I figure that it’s probably just that I forgotten.
Am working on some RE themed bags at the moment as well which I might do something with. I always have so many ideas that at least I want to try. Have a whole bunch of pictures I should colour in as well. I love doing the gift stuff but think it’s just if my computer crashes while I am and I lose it I shalt be like RAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!


So things are mostly quiet and okay at the moment. Contest has been going fairly awesome and I have been fairly taken with all the entries so far. I always getting really excited and on one hand I don’t want it to end because it’s amazing to see all the art come in but on the other hand those prizes are burning a fucking hole in my pocket. I really hope at least someone takes the box of win option cause I have so much amazing stuff to send away. Would be a real shame to have to sell it all on ebay. Would much rather do something awesome with it. Or maybe just hold another contest with another theme.

Possibilities are nice things.

Maybe I’ll do a contest to get more art of Barry. Or Irons. Maybe TBOS or Chris and Jill. There is plenty of places that I’d like to see more art from for sure. I know am going to do something Silent Hill related actually since Alchemillia hospital definitely needs to have one of those. We haven’t done one since BWE had left. I hope she is doing alright actually. One of the few people I know who said they were leaving and then... actually did and didn’t come back. Which was a shame she was fairly excellent.


I have a new icon.

I know.

To be fair I just cropped it from an image that someone else had made that was awesome. I didn’t actually do anything. I considered trying my hand at those again but to be honest it’s gonna take a massive kick to get me away from my clay. I made a little Audrey II for my dad for Father’s Day actually and he was fairly pleased like that. It totally made it without bloody teeth as well so I am proud of myself. Sharp teeth are totally awesome.
  • Current Mood
    devious devious

(no subject)

Sooo I need to do some putting web stuff up on the intranets. I know just about fuck all. Unless you count Angelfire webshell which I don't think counts. If anyone could offer their services for assistance I would be amazingly pleased.
Now or Never

Like there’s a God in me.

The first thing you should know is that I've been writing this entry on and off for... probably since the last time I updated. I keep meaning to and then getting distracted by the shiny. HOORAY! Shiny. So if it seems a bit mad it has been typed in many different moods.

I have figured something out. Firstly my two favourite words are most definitely Cunt and Hooray! Like those are the two I say most in the day but also it runs deeper than that. You can shorten down every situation that crops up into one of those two groups. For the good things that happen you have HOORAY! Which should always be said completely with gusto and like you mean it. Of course for the lesser things you may adjust it accordingly so you can have like a hooray if something is just okay or mediocre.

Then of course you have for the thing which are a bit more goatse (Christ I fucking member the day I found out there was actually a name for that.) themed, cunt. This of course can be expressed in several different manners. Can be “well I am happy but am still aware that you have just made me eat excrement” type of cunt. Or it can be a colossal earth moving cunt which makes all your neighbours silent and look at you. Even though they are in their jammies in the middle of the street and _I_ am the strange one. Or it can kinda be the sort of cunt you think you might fall into and drown.

I can’t promise you this wasn’t just so I could sit and laugh to myself merrily typing cunt over and over. But I can say with some certainty that this is almost definitely going to be my new world view from now on. It saves so very much time.

It shall be henceforth known as “The Shak Universal Categorization Theorem. “



Been doing allot of Damnation actually cause I finally decided that am not gonna just hoard that away anymore. I think not having 100 pages just sitting on my hard drive doing nothing. Makes sense to just place it up so it’s there and people can read if they want. I suspect only Dave reads these days but is still something I started so I want to finish it. But I had done a part I have been dreading writing for a long time. Like just kinda have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach because of what happened. When you do anything for so long you get used to certain characters being around. The RE games are so very, deeply depressing most of the time I think. Something that they really seemed to forget like can’t think of anything even remotely heart strings that happened but fuck RE3 was totally brutal. Like all those people you came across and just all of them fucking die. Damnation had so many regular OC’s . I suspect everyone knows that feeling am talking about where you get a very acute sense of loss that you can’t quite shake. Even though it’s not real and nothing is really gone. Suspect there has just been allot of scenes like that in a row that just am happy with how it turned out. Though happy might be entirely the wrong phrase there. Let your egocentricity shine Shak, let it shine!

But for the first time in ... I can’t remember how long I’m actually listening to my “Being a goth” soundtrack. I can’t member the last time my playlist wasn’t set to one of my various “Hot” music. Like must have been before everything got a bit brown and squishy. So I think that is probably a good sign, that things are starting to get good enough in real life that it doesn’t be such a bad thing to listen to some really sad music. I have a quiet melancholy to my mood but I think that is okay because it’s fantasy. Isn’t real I guess.

I just want to make sure to handle the subsequent reaction correctly as well. Like how do you demonstrate properly that completely life destroying event that is losing the one that you love? It’s something that is done almost all the time but it’s without a doubt never done right. I often think about what would happen if I lost my hubby and it makes my brain freeze up with fear. Never mind having to deal with it happening. So tackling something like that I think will help. Is also actually the first time have wanted to write since I don’t know when. I all but stopped for the past little while, doing some RP with Dave or with Rose but otherwise... de nada. Like absolutely sweet fuck all. So I think that even if I have dropped considerably in my own estimations, I still very much enjoy it. And that will be what motivates me. I have a story that I started writing a long time ago and I really want to finish it.

Not just that but besides some blaring flaws it is actually an okay story perhaps not the novel of a lifetime which I believed when I was in my very early twenties but still okay. Maybe somewhat intricate in places and the morality is pretty tight but it’s well written and it’s definitely well thought out. Everything slots neatly into place and there’s no gloss or ‘dishy Jude Law to help you with the difficult prose’ not that the prose is difficult but I think is probably too long to see any new fans but is just something that I enjoy sharing with people. More art soon to come I think since there are some things that I just have to draw. I miss spending time writing it with the hubby as well but think we are going to do that more. And there’s so much sadness in it just now that I very well might let him have his way for a happy ending. Cause fuck what is wrong with those? I LIKE them.


Sometimes Warren is barely recognizable to me. She used to be a bit of a mirror(also note before I had any grasp on the whole tropes/sue etc thing.) but have changed so much it’s almost a completely different person. But I think actually that is better that I don’t get pulled back. Am trying as much as possible to separate out my life. Things seems to be moving in a good direction so I am going to push on with that. I think genuinely for awhile I was almost sure I’d always be disgusted with people. My desire to do something good swayed little but was never quite sure that people were worth it. But I think that slowly that is moving itself away which is great like feels as though am moving closer to being myself. Won’t necessarily be the person I was before but will be who I am supposed to be which is better. Temper has slowly been easing off as well which is really nice because I absolutely fucking hated being a powder keg.

Workouts I think will help with that allot. Started back up the body for life stuff this week so I think that is gonna do good things for me. Can save up for a weight bench as well and then once I can do full sets of all the exercises I can move on. My plan hasn’t really changed any at all, same as it’s always been. Just now stuff is starting to fall into place a little bit more. Like can see progress however little and however bastarding long that fucker is taking. And as things do start to work I feel more confident in what needs to be done. I may still shoot for the police force when all is said and done or maybe I’ll go all MMA and see where that takes me. I just am starting to see a future again so .. that’s pretty good. I think I have a good family around me and for that everything else has been worth it.

I think it’s something worth striving for and I DO have the rest of my life. Like am not so old that things need to always be where they are now. If I can get myself back into shape, start fighting again but properly then I can really get behind that. Think has been too long in coming but it IS something I want. Want to get my pain tolerance back up just for everyday things as well as extreme circumstances. Am always really proud of how I perform when say... I break my arm or need an operation or any of the other big things that make people hurt. Just think I could use more tolerance for the every day, I still don’t take pain killers but when my heart cramps up it’s bad and I want to have more control over that. Cause it can be my bitch and suck my cock.


For the life of me, I cannot think of a time when juxtaposition would be an appropriate word choice.  I have it in my head allot but never in the right place.


No more doctors. No I mean I’ve actually decided that I am not going to see them anymore because they are a bunch of shit eating cunts. No more fucking drugs either like they never seem to do anything but make things worse. Obviously never touched over the counter shit anyways (sleep, drugs, women and children being for the weak of course.) but prescription stuff just seems to be determined to prevent me from taking a proper shit.

I mean that metaphorically of course.


So review time? Am probably going to talk about Lost In Nightmares/ Desperate Escape, Darkside Chronicles and Shattered Memories. So there is going to be shitloads of spoilers, conjecture and probably at least some bitching ;) Actually I’ll do Shattered Memories now and then if I get time the rest. This has been sitting on my computer for at least three months now, I should really post it.

I’ll start I think with Shattered Memories simply because it is the most recent one I’ve played but on top of that it’s also the one I liked the least too.  So much so in fact I think I am going to not bother playing it to get the rest of the endings.  Okay so I understand a vast majority of the gaming community are people with a hardon and nowhere to stick it but for fuck sake. I like to keep my games and my masturbation separate. I mean except the whole FFX get your orgasm in time with the theme but that was a long time ago. I just hate the whole seedy revolution that seems to be taking place in the next gen stuff. Like HEY GUYS! We can use this stuff to sell to the loser thinks getting laid is everything crowd. Ugh. Shattered Memories seemed to have a fair bit of this going on which just annoyed me no end.

It started in Silent Hill 2 which by the way is one game exactly after the series jumped the shark. That sort of ooh it’s filled with naughty stuff and then pleasantly seemed to go away for three, most of four and all of five. Which was a big YAY step in the right direction. So I was rather disappointed to see things go a bit that way inclined again here. That is hardly the biggest problem with the game though like not by a long shot and considering how much the degradation of the games and use of lowest common denominator piss me off that is a hefty accusation.  

So why was it shit? (A nice unbiased review is not going to happen because I didn’t like it. Mostly.)

Firstly it was unwaveringly, completely dedicatedly predictable. There was not a single surprising thing in that game. Which for a re-envisioning of a game I’ve played at least a hundred times should be completely okay right? No. Not in the least.

The biggest problem with taking on an old series is that you have a very thin margin to get the concept right. Take too much from the original and you have a carbon copy (Which in some cases is okay, if we get an RE2 remake that is pretty much what I want to see.) and that cannot be called a re-imagining or you change so much that the two are unrecognizable as being related and you may as well have gone with an original project, which can be okay if what you change are all the things wrong with the original.

Had this been a sequel to SH3 I think I would not have had the same gripes about the game. Especially the story component which suffered the most. Then again they would have had to do something really pretty special to compete with number one because it really is right up there in my top ten. I loved the diversity, the different paths and how open to interpretation it was. There was none of that pretentious wank that came later.

The controls in places were somewhat random and quite unresponsive which did at first add to the fear element of playing. I was very sure I was going to enjoy the ice sections because it was so fast paced because it was frantic rather than because there was much killing to be done. But as the game progressed it started to wear on my nerves more than anything else. And that section where you are in the big dark ice room is a fucking joke. I must have walked around there completely at least twice before randomly stumbling into the place I was supposed to be.

Indeed I did very much miss bashing things in with a pipe.

And the sleaze was pish. Scary and masturbation are really not too things that I like to mix up. But even more than that, if I want sleazy I don’t life far away from a den of people who genuinely disgust me and I have no respect for. I can go there and watch them show me what is left from their pubes after the crabs finished grazing there.


Through much experimentation I have discovered just how much chewing gum you need to chew on before it will have laxative effects. Thirty pieces in one day pretty much does it. I got a box with eight hundred pieces on ebay for like £10. Happy days.


I think I feel a certain degree of pissed off with some of the issues people seem to get behind on the net. Like perhaps just because DA is flooded with a younger demographic but sometimes it seems like people really do ignore all the important stuff. Granted it IS a shame if someone gets bullied but at the same time there is only so much pity that should be afforded to what (believe it or not) on a global scale is a relatively minor infraction. Even then what constitutes as being picked on, oh no they called me a name BAW makes it even worse. (It really fucks me off when people have one of these type rants and then go BECAUSE _I_. No, nothing to do with me.) I just like the idea of encouraging people to get a sack. Or maybe that is it actually like those without one are so quick to throw around the term that it’s lost all meaning. There are some people who have really been treated terribly and had their life completely changed and gone through horrible things. Not the same thing as someone once said you were ugly.

Same with homophobia. Granted again there is some real discrimination going on and that’s wrong but bigger picture. And sometimes, maybe, just maybe it’s cause you are a selfish prick and not because you prefer to chomp on the genitals of your own sex. It’s an easy thing to target but the fact is that if it wasn’t that then it would be something else. It’s one of those POV that gives me grief though like in this day and age why does anyone care who other people are sleeping with? Especially when there’s no one getting hurt. Just the way people get up in arms about it, you’d think that people were being dragged out from their beds at night and being lynched in the streets. Or have their respective bits cut off and fed to them for kicks. You are less likely to get married or get a job, um... same if you are short (nothing you can do about that either) but there isn’t a huge warring cry to stop that.

These will be added to my get a fucking grip topics. Along with bitching about your weight/height/glasses/hair colour and eyebrow shape.

Says she bitching.


Kevin Smith, think he’s probably a “Would Get It.” Although the award would have to be given posthumously and that I am less enthusiastic about. Though I’ve never gotten my head around the whole having emotional feelings for someone who is a cunt. I am obviously talking about in fiction more so than real life. Real life it’s usually harder to gage but also you don’t get the same view in reality as you do in fiction. I don’t mean the RAWR I’D HIT THAT type thing but the wow I want to settle down and build a life with someone like that. I like a bit (allot) of self-flagellation as much as the next person (assuming they are a masochist, not an emotional one that doesn’t count.) but the person you choose to be with should be your partner in all things. Above all else they should be loyal to you and your well being.  That was a tangent which was actually longer than the spot of lechery which I had intended for here. We’ve been watching Xena of all things. I never caught it when it was on TV but hubby suggested we get a hold of it and watch from series 2 onwards and it’s actually really fucking good. The interaction between everyone is awesome and I don’t get that sort of twinge of unnecessary that accompanies allot of characters. So far anyways but we just hit series three so will see how that all pans out.

I quite fancy being God of War. Would also mean being God of Peace as well though and that is an exceptionally odd dichotomy but I think one that I would really enjoy. Suppose anything with the prefix “God of” can only be so bad. Unless it’s God of Intestinal worms or God of Shitting Dick Nipples.

Also shat myself seeing Karl Urban with blond hair playing cupid. He’s a wonderfully talented actor but the bleached blond was so fucking weird.  So yes Xena, I have a bit of a girl crush on her. Which is to say nothing sexual but I really like to look at her.


I have the heart doctors on my birthday of all days. Ordinarily they’d get told to eat shit but considering have waited a year to actually speak to someone and go hey? Is it supposed to be doing this? I think I am going to go. Will also be a chance to find out what is right/wrong with my heart. The GP thinks (good news) that my heart is okay just still recovering but (less good news) it might be something else that is making me sick. Though my plan of ignoring them and doing things as I see fit seems to be working out quite well. There is one doctor I will listen to because she listens to me but the rest I have very little trust in. Especially considering now they’ve added the “Oh you must be depressed” card in there. I have a word for them... Why yes! It IS cunt! Idiots, they are barely qualified to recognize my mood on the hour they meet me, never mind when my mood is not soured by having to deal with people who despite all that education seem to be completely ignorant. Medical school seems to be little more than a place where common sense goes to die. 

Got the dentist as well. Though I do get a certain amount of unexplained glee by making drilling noises, it’s very therapeutic.

- EDIT One more scan and then should be me. Hooray!


An entirely unrelated note but does anyone know where I can get a fire-axe? I was going to ask my mum but if my dad won’t tell me then she definitely won’t.


So much like everyone else I am going to open an Etsy. There will be things for sale although fuck knows if anyone is not cut out for business it’s me. Hopefully having a store type thing will take care of most of the bullshit from there, Dave can be the customer manager and stop me from calling anyone a cunt. Ach it’s all in good humour like the problem with the net is that it is exceptionally hard to see the affection behind when I swear. Sarcasm doesn’t seem to translate to text very well and more so I often come across as serious which I am sure is not the case. Well anyways it’s fun making the miniatures and then turning them into jewellery is easy after that. The really good stuff though is the gore laced stuff. Don’t know if there is a market for it but if not I’ve a ton of wonderful little things for which to... do something with presumably. A rousing endorsement I know ;).

It is here


Christ I’m supposed to be writing game reviews for a website but with no swearing..... I don’t even know how that works. I wonder if whores is included in that? I’ll have to ask maybe in January though rather than now.

See I have noticed that there is something about this time of year that seems to make everyone act a bit crazy. I fucking love this month like so many awesome things happen during it and Christmas shopping is totally win. Plus SNOW, we have SNOW. We got stuck in the car for like 11 hours last weekend actually (or maybe the one before?) on our way back from a place that normally takes us like 45 minutes each way? It was completely mental. Plus the speakers ran out of battery like .... 2 hours in and then my DS a few hours later. Still it wasn’t so bad like we took shit loads of photos, talked and even got out the car to have a bit of a snowball fight. Everyone was fucking so nice though as well like communication was really good and the moment ANYONE in any lane got stuck people were right out there helping push the cars even if they weren’t affected. The sort of thing that really makes me smile.



Okay so that was all past stuff. I really need to write some actual game reviews for stuff I've played and liked and stuff that I haven't. I actually really wanted to mention my birthday which was mostly pretty damn amazing. One of those days that just everything sans the hospital is exactly perfect. We watched the Animal Crossing Movie and it was fucking darling. Got so much amazing art.... I got a camera cause my parents psychicly knew I wanted one. Was just stunning. And... we also have two new cats. Both were in danger of being killed by some little fucking cunt, so they came to us to be taken to be rehomed. But fuck they were just so nice and so we kept them. They are doing so well here as well. Have called them Jade and Smoke and they already answer to their names. I love them to pieces.

I also got a life sized cardboard stand of Xena. I am going to take her photo with Wesker and then be joyful in how if nerds got stoned I would be well fucking dead <3.

Happy New Years guys <3


ALSO for those of you guys who have a Blackberry let me know. I actually have one, only cause they offered one with a £10 a month contract which is what am paying now anyways. But still it's actually fairly awesome and would be good to stay in touch in some way that I will actually do.

I seriously need to do some new icons at some point. It can go on my New Years list. Which so far included BE MORE OBNOXIOUS, Take things less seriously, kick someone rubbish in the nuts, eat more species of animal... the usual.

Now or Never

(no subject)

Right deep breath, fractured my arm, cat had cancer, heart attack (not me) blah blah. That’s about the most I can member. I know there have been plenty of bad stuff happening but it’s pretty much done and out the way and everyone is recovering now which is really the main thing. Thus ends the moaning section of my entry.


Hmm so I glued my eye shut. Not on purpose although that would make for a much better story really. I have this awesome spray adhesive stuff and I was gluing a phone charm to Dave’s phone and it ricocheted off and I ended up with superglue in my eye. I felt like a complete fucking pillock. Totally running through to the bathroom clutching my face to try and wash this stuff out. All that time spent trying to be able to stroke my own eyeball as a child paid off hooray! I now have myself some safety glasses. Doesn’t stop me cutting up my hands though, I had a scraper and about took my thumb nail off.

NO MORE BLOOD THINNERS. Took the last one and now that is my heart stuff done. Like I should have no more problems with that, also means I can enjoy a heavenly choir moment and GO BACK ON MY FUCKING PUNCHING BAG. I am so bastarding happy. Seriously I have the butterflies just thinking about how awesome it’s going to be. Am sure will still bruise me up real nice but have never really been particularly adverse to that.

Was kinda awesome as well cause my sisters bf does MMA but wanted me to go along to the ju-jitsu with him. I think even now I could probably handle the fighting side but the warm up at the start would really kill me since my cardio is really poor.

But even if the improvement is slow, I can see it. Like am finding that I can handle going out for a walk every second day now. Instead of doing it once a week and feeling really tired and grumpy for two days afterwards, can now comfortable do one every second or third day. Just I guess am relearning to listen to my body over my impulses. The problem is that there is no middle ground like I go from being fine to being completely shattered and ill in a matter of meters so just trying to gage things better and do it sensibly. You can imagine how much I am not into that, hey limitations fuck you! But if I want to get better which I really do then it’s the way to do it.

Having the fractured arm really messed things up for a bit but it’s been six weeks so at least it’s fine now.  I actually probably should have taken the iron pills they gave me but they didn’t go with the other meds and made me sick as a whore so can start taking those now, get rid of the anaemia and then be a complete fucking tank again.


Was actually computer sharing for a bit or I’d have dropped a HAI GUISE still alive type entry awhile ago. Dave’s laptop died and we had no monies so we were just sharing for awhile. Had totally forgotten what it was like as well. What a spoiled little madam I am, meh I have to share OH NOES. Nah it wasn’t so bad I did lots of messing around with dolls then so that was pretty grand. Although I have a glue gun now thanks to my dad and I have like big blisters all over my leg from where I kept getting the shit on my leg. How much of a fucking dipshit am I? Seriously.


I’ve become relatively fixated with Clock Tower again. It was one of those games that totally scared me shitless when I was younger. I mean like properly looking over my shoulder type paranoid and feeling like I’d like me some of that (And also doing some collab lines) has made me start to play it again. Was great actually playing with Dave because he really appreciates the scares that are there cause I’ve seen them all before and he hasn’t. It’s such a great game like the controls are a little dodgy but think often that does kinda add to the swearing aloud type thing that comes with it.

But during this I have totally rediscovered how awesome Hellen Maxwell is. Like most of her evade points simply involve braining the fucker and I like that allot. Just the fact she shoots him as well, like fuck this shit BANG. I really liked how she was like she was one of the few who not only wanted to save herself but everyone else as well. Was of tantamount importance to her to see the rest of the gang safe and okay. I really admire that and she doesn’t just run away either. At least she tries to fight and that’s something which I always want to see that they don’t just take it.  

Just if one thing could be done to make it perfect would be just to maybe set it ten years ahead in the future. I know some people find the idea of a ten year old serial killer funny but I assure you, midget or not if anything was coming towards me with scissors that big, I would kick it to death. Especially if it was a midget. But it’s a very small complaint and think they really upped the gore level from First Fear too.

Am thinking though am going to get me a copy of First Fear and just play through it in Japanese to try and get all the extra content. I mean obviously I’d really rather it was in a language I had the vaguest comprehension about but hey, it doesn’t. But I want to see the extra content so  am thinking it’s gonna be interesting trying to navigate that way. Although CTFF wasn’t that complicated and comparatively it’s actually quite an easy game so am figuring can just unlock everything and then get a hardon about what an awesome gamer I am.



Lost in Nightmares... FUCKING WAY.


And there was a million things. A total fucking million that I had to say but now am just all a wave of OMG.  OH HEM FUCKING GEE. I just got the most fucking amazing news. Fucking AMAZING. JULY IS THE MONTH OF WIN.

Carve your name in my chest

Dared the knife and took the blade.


My absolutely favourite thing about the first Resident Evil game, or rather my favourite person wasn’t actually Wesker. Obviously I’d have given him one but he actually wasn’t my original reason for infatuation with the series. Granted he was the person who I was most looking around to see during RE2 but just to have a perv. The fact he murdered Enrico as well, it looked as though he was going to be something quite special if they brought him back. There was something really quite fascinating about him being impaled like I used to watch that holding my breath.

At the time I was a bit Almighty Uterus, this of course because at the time no one had shown me how much of a fucking whore a woman could be. Like the only people who I ever really seen doing bad things were men and so I was quite convinced of the superiority of my own sex.  But then seeing the troubles facing my male friends, how women would treat other woman and watching just the horrible things they’d do to have “a man” it does kinda put things into perspective unfortunately. Not to mention when there is a man as amazing as my bug around, it also gives a big whack of points to the other team. This is relevant because I was about 13/14 at the time and what I looked for in games WAS strong women. I wanted to see examples of people who would be worth looking up to. Not really sure how much of that there is currently, good role models are quite scarce to find. Obviously violence too but as far as personality types go.

My mum’s stance on it was that I should find a big strong man (like she had) to take care of her but the idea of that absolutely appalled me. It would be fine to have a similarly strong man or even a stronger one than me, just not for the purposes of taking care of me. I should be able to do that myself. My gran was exceptionally strong, she had been a fighter too before she had gotten sick. But I hadn’t seen much of that. Just the outcome that she was always in pain but she always smiled when we came to see her. It’s the sort of strength you appreciate more later on. Like at the time I knew she was awesome but just not how much.

But Jill was amazing. Like I played her game first and she was just the most awesome thing ever. You don’t notice how cheesy the dialogue is until years later like many fans I was young when I started to play. At the time the game was so involving but also beautifully balanced. Everyone there did exactly just the right thing. They relied on each other for various tasks as a team should but they also all had their own independence. Even to some degree Rebecca who would insist on being useful even when Chris said she should come with him. It was one of the most comforting parts of the game actually, where you’d enter that corridor and could just hear the music and occasional bum note it was one of the few kinda releases of tension. Chris actually had a bit more of that like you could go back and be in a room with another living person if need be. Not to mention Jill had the larger health bar as well, suggesting that Chris had more problems when getting bitten. She was just beautifully kick arse in that game, being able to take care of stuff and actually figuring out what was going on before anyone else had. That’s the sort of woman that anyone should strive to be.

Why? Because if you aren’t strong, then you are weak. And if you are weak then you will hurt the people you love and yourself. Everyone is so busy worrying about completely the wrong things and I don’t understand it at all. I want to see more of classic Jill. I want her wearing combat attire and I want her kicking fucking cunt. I want there to be a move where you kick people in the nuts and I want her to do it to anyone who gives her shit. I don’t fucking care if her hair is brunette, blonde or fucking purple. I don’t care if they give her a plastic surgery body though I’d prefer if she looked like a solider just so long as she was as keeping up with Chris. No random super power or any of that bullshit. (and while we are at it, I want Chris angry, really raging at the man who killed his friends. And Wesker to not give a shit. Because he has big balls.)

And that’s why am not loving the recent incarnations of her. She’s the only person save Leon to get a game pretty much to herself. But in Rebirth she kept tripping over, Chris didn’t. Barry didn’t. Wesker didn’t. But Jill did? Was she less of a crack cop than those guys? Cause you know I was sure that ... you know to be there at all you had to be... a bit more than stupid dumb slut bimbo who fucks some guy she’s just met in a horror movie type of girl. Not to mention throwing up at the bath zombie as well. As opposed to in the original where it was ONLY Chris who had an optional freak out moment during your first meeting with the hunter.  During RE5 Jill was supposed to be a super powered NE-T powered killing machine. One shot with your gun... DED. I hit Wesker like a fucking million times (that’s another less wholesome story) . And then oh SORRY guys! I have to lie here and be useless. It annoys me.

Has anyone else noticed that? I AM SO TOUGH, I AM SO TOUGH! Then a man appears and OMG HALP SPIEEADAR!!! Are there no kinda just consistently great people to be kicking around? I don’t want the woman to perform one super awesome show of super human ability and then just suddenly forget that they know how to defend themselves. Ada in Separate Ways was actually fairly amazing. Just got on with her shit and did what needed to be done. Granted she did end up tied up in the dock but then Leon had her help and a rocket launcher is a pretty big tick in the WIN FOR ME box.

Fucking hell that game was beautiful. I love RE1, I think I want to go forth and spend hours making sweet console love to it. Everything about that was wonderful and I think RE has probably jumped the shark. Like I doubt we are going to see a game like that again. Although once the sort of casual gamer thing goes away perhaps then.


I’m not fucking sad Wesker is dead. The more I play that game, the more I see the plot without the stim of playing the new RE game, I just... the more angry I get about the whole thing. Playing it was partially so amazing because of who I was playing it with. But it was so short, it just felt like it was too quickly done. RE4 at least had alternative routes to a degree, there were cut scenes that you’d not get unless you went a certain route. And the story for RE4 while quite basic was also not completely retarded. Having Umbrella disappear was a mistake but there is little else to fault them on. Just what were the guys thinking? Really? Why was everyone so completely flat?

I actually realized tonight where they stole the completely fucking shit angle for Wesker from. It's fucking Sephiroth from FF7. Amazing solider who turns out to be a bad guy. Gets uber super powers, finds out he's a clone and decides that he wants to kill everyone. Starts with the old man who was his father figure.... does any of that sound familiar? Fucking shame on you people.

And the deaths were absolutely rubbish. The death reel for RE4 was totally fappable type good, especially the scenes with Leon and Krauser, even if Leon himself isn’t all actually that nice to look at.


I read one of those fucking shitty adverts on Face-book. “Loose a dress size by some twat, feel great!” Now listen cunt-face and let me explain, Losing a dress size is not going to make me feel great. Unless I lose it because someone is fillet strips of skin from me. And if they are taking enough I shrink a whole dress size, then you bet your skiny little white boy arse, it would make me feel great. But I fucking BET that is not what they meant. The cunts.

Ha ha though Word does now recognize cunt as a word which is handy since it’s currently my favourite word. Word Bingo. Bingo.


Since I am no longer on the verapamil I can actually fucking drink again. And so drinking I have been doing. It had been wonderful, I have been jolly for just about every night for a fortnight (and I wrote this like fuck three weeks ago now? I totally need to finish shit and just post). I found I had like shit loads of bottles of Sherry just... sitting there waiting to be drunk. Probably because I had them given to me over the past year and I’ve just not touched them. What a pleasant way to ease myself back into the mood. It’s wonderful, I fucking love drinking. Am still drinking like a fucking girl though like half a litre of Sherry is just about enough. I assume when I am not so weak and useless that my constitution will return to it’s former glory.  

I mean I do understand that at some point this week I should have a nice sober evening. But that will not be this evening for fucking sure. £5.50 a bottle? I mean that is damn fucking good stuff. Not to mention it’s like 5% stronger than the Harvey’s. Why Sherry? I seriously have no fucking idea. We had Sherry trifle on my b-day. I had not much, two glasses and then was like... hmm this is quite good. I SHALL HAVE MORE. And I did and it was also good.

And I feel oddly excited about something but fucked if I know what. Like apprehension kicking about and I know that should be bad but is nice to have a bit of whimsy in there.


- This is currently my favourite song currently. I swear it makes me absolutely twitch probably just because can you get blue balls except for violence?



Health is still quite pish. Blood thinners mean no bleeding. No bleeding does NOT MAKE FOR A HAPPY SHAK. I can’t even explain because most people avoid pain anyways so it’s a difficult to get across what it is that I am lacking. I can feel that fucking thing tearing at my insides as well, it’s fucking horrible. I always know it’s there. But then first bad night in awhile so perhaps to take that with a pinch of salt.

Also was hospitalized over the weekend. NHS 24 sent around the paramedics (cause I had just called to see if I should maybe visit my doctor.) and they sent around a fucking ambulance. The minute I mentioned chest and left arm pain they were like OMG HEART ATTACK (No one was more surprised than me. I was like noooooo it’s just the usual chest pain. OMG U DIDN’T TELL UR DOCTUR? HEART ATTACK! DOUBLE BY-PASS) but they came along, checked me out. All my scans were fine so in a feat of immeasurable logic, they took me. Lots of test, poking and prodding’s later and they sent me home being like... oh it’s just a cold. Your airways are aggravated so that’s what is causing the chest pain. Still better than private insurance. I’ve been waiting for absolutely ages now to get the money from the car insurance and they are trying everything NOT to give me it, and some fucking idiots would CHOOSE to have the shitty insurance wankers be the ones in charge of their health? Seriously that’s certifiable type mad.

Personally I am pretty sure it’s the fucking huge bit of metal or plastic (which I got to see on the ECG and it’s like bigger than my fucking fist. How the cunting hell does that fit inside?) but perhaps that is just me.

- After seeing Yiyo’s I think I fancy having one of these. Yes Shak another place to talk about yourself.  Because really the internet just does not have enough of these. Not that I actually have anything to fucking say. Unless I’M DRUNK counts towards charming rhetoric.


Birthday was also quite grand. I should say I’ve written up several entries but to be honest they have mostly been utterly fucking unhelpful and fuck that. Mandy and Candy were lovely. And my boys. I was so spoiled. I totally got DSC and just had an WWWC moment. I have opinions to share on such things (Hooray!)


Actually the real purpose of this was actually to talk about Mileena. Not from MK but my new baby. She’s just the tiniest little thing ever. She was only five weeks old when we got her, was supposed to be much later but her mother rejected her and the owners were starting to become quite scared for her. So I get a call of “OH btw I am on the way with the kittens. Oh yes and you can only get one.” Which was not what I had expected. We called the girls Mileena and Kitana because they were sisters of course. But Kitana was the runt of the litter and so needed to go to someone with a bit more experience than me who didn’t already have two cats (which incidentally I am perfectly sure is not the case and she just wanted a cute kitten. Regardless Kitana is settling down well and that is what the main thing is.) So instead of the two of them, we ended up with just one. But she’s absolutely fucking beautiful like she’s white, ginger and black and so fluffy. I have to get up photos cause she’s a little fucking psycho as well.

Totally isn’t co-ordinated or anything yet so just charges everywhere but it’s more of a bounce than anything else. And just tears off the edge of things. We have a mattress on the floor just now, cause she’s sleeping in our bedroom. But she’s so small that don’t want to sleep in the same room as her in case we crush her in our sleep or something equally horrific. But she’ll run towards the mattress and then just bounce off. It’s darling I mean like she’s so full of energy and just bounding around anywhere. She comes to her food dish when we call her as well. So much stuff to try and train her to do. Thankfully she uses a litter box without any bother so that is one am glad is all done with.

Seriously I absolutely don’t have it in me to do the whole kids thing. Like I am absolutely not ever wiping any things arse. Not ever.

I have to try and get a video of just how she moves because even that is cute. She’s also quite good with bug as well. Will go and cuddle up with him and even fell asleep under the covers with him too. I had fallen asleep and she crawled in with me and slept atop my arm but my face next to hers on the pillow. Just very lively, full of beans and great to interact with. Hasn’t quite learned no claws or teeth on skin yet but we’ll get there eventually I think. It tires me out but absolutely worth it I think.

The problem is that my Subby cat is actually the least independent creature in the whole world. I’ve never really known how to diffuse jealousy because you it’s me. Like seriously I’ve enough time for both of you and let us not have a shit fit here. But with cats it’s even more complicated because it’s not as though I can appeal to his sense of reason because he doesn’t have one. Like can’t pick him up and say you are my best boy and absolutely no other cat is going to take your place (am I actually sitting here fucking talking about cat psychology? Jesus Fucking Christ.) He’s such a loyal wee thing, he comes when he’s called, he fetches, he’ll jump on my shoulder when I pat it, will put his head down to let me kiss it when I say “kisses” and he cries if he’s locked away in a different room for me. Like just sits and yams until I come out. So trying to introduce him to Mileena is going to be quite difficult. He’s seen her once and just kinda hissed. We are rotating them between rooms every hour or two hours just now. It’s cute though cause Mileena won’t sleep anywhere except my clothes and whenever I go through and call her name she starts mewing and runs over to me. Am hoping that they will learn to get along though.

We also had quite a wonderful experience in that when she first came to stay here, she couldn’t purr cause she was too small but then two days ago she actually started and fucking hell. I mean she is a little engine when she gets started. Like she’ll just be so loud and then curl up and fall asleep on my chest. Like that seems to be her favourite place to curl up, so I’ll have her just sitting there while I’m drawing or whatever.

But that is what most of my time has been spent doing lately just spending time with her real. She’s quite a handful, she just cries if she’s locked away because she wants the company which is also kinda adorable but think as she gets older that will be something that changes. Her immabouttopounce face is fucking so cute though.



I think I’m okay. Gonna kick the cold and just get back to it. I guess what it comes down to is that I’ve worked my whole life to ensure that physically I could take care of everyone I loved and those who needed it. Then it’s all gone because of something I was born without but no one fucking noticed. So now if something bad kicks off, I won’t be able to do all those things I trained in and I hate that. But it’s more reason to just keep at it. Falling off the horse once or getting sick is no exsqueeze to fucking quit.  I can still throw a good punch so it’s not like I can’t do anything.


I think I was probably allot more angry when I wrote this like am actually feeling okay. Not quite taken on the whole world but definitely getting there. I think a couple of months will give me some genuine improvement and that will definitely sort most of the problems in my life. Like the bad stuff is one factor.


I seriously cannot believe how many people wanted pictures of them being murdered by a fictious crush. Seriously I don't know whether to be appaulled or proud. You sick fuckers you. Ha ha love it!

Now or Never

Talking lots

I had wanted to wait until everything settled down before posting anything but seems at the moment they are just that. Sooo health wank tiem. Three to six months from now I am going to be fine. Like it’s a long recovery time because have to wait for the cells on my heart to grow over the implanted thingie (yup medical terminology is my bitch) and have the hole completely blocked.

Since coming back from the op though I’ve been pretty unwell. Like even after the first week passed just wasn’t feeling any better. Actually worse. So I caved in (because you are weak) and went in to see the doctor. Turns out because of all the blood loss have developed anaemia so they’ve given me something to (Seriously waking up in a pool of blood is nowhere near as fun as it sounds.) stop the bleeding. Another round of my doctor being a fucking cunt like shorting crack as in of the arse variety cause there’s this pill that pretty much stops the fucking heavy bleeding and volia win for me. So you know something that might have come in handy... 4... 5 years ago. Still then maybe would have dropped dead at 50 from an undiagnosed heart condition. Just annoyed that the recovery time is gonna be spent still on my fucking back. And I can’t concentrate on shit. Moan moan whine whine etc. 

Not me but a member of my family had a cancer scare two weeks ago as well so that was just completely ugh like everything seemed to be looking as though it wasn’t going to go. I had then planned to come back because I had one of those stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself, granted it’s frustrating but no need for this wallowing shite. Unfortunately before I had the chance a friend was taken into hospital. She has a degenerative condition so as she gets older that will be more common  but had thought that it was her heart which is the only fully working organ she has so that was gonna be fucking awful. But they have released her out and they don’t think anything is seriously wrong. Or if there is they haven’t found it yet. It’s kinda mad though because while I’d not say she’s my best friend, we are relatively close but the other girl who she is close with also has a dodgy heart. So we are gonna start a club for it. Apparently. Personally I am kinda ashamed of my birth DEFECT. You know considering it means genetically I am flawed.

But all considered, am okay. I can’t do all that much like even gaming, anything more than two or three hours and I start to get very tired, writing and drawing is coming very slowly too. But all in all I think I’ve skimmed a bit more of the shite off of the top of my milk. It’s easy to see whose good and who isn’t. Dave has been wonderful though I mean genuinely just making it easy and that I do rest. Cause objectively I know I am supposed to just rest but when you’ve been sitting down in the same place, all day, and you hurt from inactivity resting seems like utter bullshit. But I did some cooking over the weekend and at least that is getting something done. Plus it’s been ages since I’ve had sushi or Chinese curry or even miso soup with vegetables, noodles and parcels. It was good to have stuff that isn’t just chuck in the oven. All my complaints are small niggling things, they aren’t the sort of thing that would have me or anyone else crying themselves to sleep at night but it does mean my tolerance for frustration is very small.  Am just constantly sore and quite grouchy. Oh no curmudgeon.


For those of you who don’t want Origins spoiled for you I advise not reading the next little bit where I am talking about the endings. So clearly the bad ending was very, very predictable. But that at least explains why the butcher was so awesome. Like I’ve heard the comparisons to Pyramid Head and I acn see why but I think if we are strictly talking game-verse then I would definitely pick him as my favourite one.   His look was allot more conceivable I think, the burned and scarred facial tissue. The mask melted into his face looked so much more brutal than the big pyramid. I think PH look definitely improved with the movie, they made his edges sharper, his body more sculpted and huge so he ended up looking so much more scary. But how he was in number 2? I didn’t really think much of him. Plus the Butchers outfit worked very well for his profession. Same with his weapon, he just really looked the part. Shame that comparatively with the regular monsters it did take so little to kill him. I think if it had been a proper long, gruelling boss fight then it might have made him the perfect antagonist. It really was awesome to watch him just lift up that nurse and slice her away in two, not to mention there is no clue whether or not you were gonna have to fight him. And the fact either it could have been a reminder to you of the terrible things you’ve done or a monster sent by Dahlia’s order because you are helping Alessa and making it easier for her to escape. The cast from the first game are definitely without a doubt my favourite so was wonderful seeing them again. And I think Travis totally makes a great addition to those guys.

If I had liked number 3 more, I’d probably have totally creamed in my pants that you can play Vincent but as it was, I was kinda meh about the whole thing. Still the outfits in general were completely ace like I was totally laughed at him in the Mexican wrestling attire or where you turn into nerd man? That’s fucking ace. It was a nice touch, I love the UFO endings like those are a staple that they definitely need to keep.

And the UFO ending was totally cute though, I totally can just picture him grinning and snuggling up to his truck, like I loved that. I really like Travis as well though. He was quite a lovely guy (or a complete deranged serial killer.) but just the fact that he ran into the house to get Alessa out was lovely. Her part in the game was surprisingly small, she spoke one line and changed things from real to nightmare. But again I think that is heavy movie influence going on. Which is again fine with me because I totally fucking love that film. But yes Travis was actually just your regular (mostly) run of the mill kinda guy. Kinda ambling about not really having met anyone special, liking his work, having his buddies around. Nothing complicated who kinda just stumbles into this world. Or you know someone who was drawn to this place and the fact he DID save a life showed he was capable of repenting so he was dragged to The Hills to repent for the terrible things that he did. And how much did I fucking squee at the end when you get the transmission and it’s Harry and his wife finding Cheryl?  Poor wee thing that she ended up being.

My only real criticism with the game would be the breakable melee items and the constantly re-spawning enemies. Which wouldn’t be so bad except I saved everything up, barely touched anything and no next fear mode. Perhaps that me showing my alliance. I was a huge  fan of the first game, I played that one utterly to death like always with the same ending, trying to save Lisa. Think it was only after playing for about a year I did other things, am a creature of habit for sure. I mean I pretty much hated Harry after what happened with Lisa. But after number three I did soften up a bit. Just a tiny bit. But after number 1, I did play the other games but didn’t really think that much of them. I’ve not been a proper fan since about 98.

Like I mean I was after the first game never a huge fan. Number 2 I thought was bollocks (I liked aspects but I didn’t enjoy playing it at all. I didn’t really care for any of the characters and can say it’s realism to have everyone be a shit but can just interact with the cunts I know if I wanted to be around people I have no respect for and can’t stand. Like there are some themes which have no fucking place in something which is supposed to be fun) and number 3 was okay but not really the sequel I would have liked to have seen. Number 4 was shit as well. Fucking ghosts that you can’t fucking kill running around with long fucking hair and Henry is eating boiled rice while watching fucking paint dry. *Insert usual universal complaints about number 4 here.* Like Walter was just annoying, he wasn’t scary and not being scary is kinda the problem. And since the Resident Evil series last few instalments really have not had any horror I think I am probably starting to rekindle my love of the series. Silent Hill is probably the last vestige of survival horror. Resident Evil is about as scary as getting as a glass of milk, CT is dead after they made Haunting Ground, which didn’t do well enough for a sequel (and was scary for all the wrong reasons). Dino Crisis turned into Dinosaurs in space (of course) and Parasite Eve had it’s sequel as like a mobile game? Saying that Doom 3 was quite scary and I’ve not played L4D yet. But then am not sure how scary anything that is based on the HL can be. Still it was just wonderful to play something that made me jump and curse and swear and actually get involved in.

It also didn’t hurt that Origins is the first one I’ve played since then that I really, really enjoyed. Like playing it was fantastic fun. I loved the fact you could beat stuff to death with your own hands. I mean actually get in there and thump it in the face. The melee weapon choice was totally fantastic too. They story was nice and engaging and could be interpreted in several different ways rather than just having different endings. Another factor carried over from the first game that I really took to. As opposed to the other games where you can change the ending but not really what happened before hand. Like in number 2 you were always there and Silent Hill always existed because James had killed his wife. Fuck Origins just made me wanna play the series again. Which I then since have.

The only other problem I had was Lisa and Kauffman. Like I know that they wanted them in the game and it was wonderful to see them kicking around but they did seem quite out of place. Lisa looked a bit like mutton dressed as lamb and obviously her personality was completely different and I didn’t like that at all. Kauffman was still a dick but he didn’t look quite right. I was always of the impression that he was somewhat fixated with Lisa but she wasn’t interested. So he picked her to watch over Alessa to keep her close. But Lisa actually couldn’t bear the suffering and was the first person to really show any kindness to Alessa. All her life, people had either been scared or nasty to her but then Lisa would sit with her, talk with her and continuously change her bandages and try to stop the pain. Is why Alessa then protected her once everything went to hell. Is why she only turns after Harry has fucked everything up. And clearly she was totally off her face on White Claudia but it didn’t have the excitement I thought it would have for seeing those characters back again. Like Kauffman was supposed to be a cunt but Lisa never was. And they pretty much just made her into a whore which she should never have been.



Silent Hill 5 is fucking stunning though. I mean another problem I felt with the middle rung games was that they didn’t quite get over how absolutely fucking grotty Silent Hill was. The first one had done it very well because the graphics were so pixelated that everything looked like rust and decay and grime. The next gen games, they didn’t work. Everything looked far too organized and just didn’t have the same feeling of ick and decay. But number 5 I think actually has the graphical capacity to make everything just that bit more dirty looking so taht it actually works. Visually this game is stunning. There does seem to be something about PSX3 games and having bad teeth in the models? Wesker was the same as well where there4 was something just not quite right with how the teeth sat in the mouth. Alex definitely had a bit of that going on. But the PSX3 is still a relatively young console so I imagine with time that is something that is going to get better.

I only finished today so have only seen one of the endings so far but I know that there are a few more at least so gonna look up how to do those. But it’s almost definite that one is gonna be that Alex killed his parents like am so sure of it. Dave is taking the replays at the moment but I am just totally waiting for there to be something like that. He killed Josh by accident and then goes totally mental at how his dad is reacting and kills him and when he comes home his mum starts to ask about the other two, not him and he kills her as well. I do hope there is a better ending than the one that I got, which was just that the whole thing was just a delusion and Alex hadn’t accepted what he had done yet. But looking forward to seeing what the rest of them are, like the sign of a good game is once it’s done you wanna play it all over again. Which I didn’t feel with RE5 actually, like collect everything, complete pro mode. DA-DA! I’ve not played it since. Anyways enough of the it’s pish survival horror is dying weh weh weh. Ha ha I made sounds with words.

God I loved the way that the monsters moved in this one, am gonna end up being a fan of Pyramid Head yet. I love it when they have him move like that. Same with the nurses, there is something really sexy about the fact that they move like every bone in the body is broken. The cracking noise is totally wonderful. Not to mention getting to see actual battle damage on the creatures as you are cutting them up is quite nicely done as well. It all looks like it should. And the killing moves that you can do on a stunned enemy are a really nice addition. Stomping on ribs is all well and good but if I can knock a Schisms face into the ground and then severe it’s head at the neck, then you can fucking bet I wanna do it. The scenery is filled with enough blood and gore that it does look really like a massacre has occurred but it’s not done with such over-kill that you kinda get desensitized to it and don’t notice it.  The backgrounds were all distinct and fantastic. I loved walking around in the town and the nightmare Silent Hill was just so fantastically done. They really did out do themselves.

Everything  just was tuned towards suspense and the areas where there were nothing just made it that much worse when suddenly something would be there tearing at your throat. The use of noise and objects you could knock over were all just fantastic because then you could never be sure when something was there or it was just the game dicking with you.

I totally fucking loved Wheeler as well. Like he was totally fucking awesome just consistently great and it was ace having him around. He was just very generous like gave you the shotgun and he was totally fucking kick arse. I totally nearly got down on one knee when you just free him from the prison and fucking Slam whore shows up and he just fucking kick’s it’s fucking cunt in. Like by the time I had changed my fucking weapon he had totally killed it dead. My eyes were totally fucking hearts. Or there is a bit where he just walks into a wrong filled with a corpse and he’s just like... well... that’s fucking gross... and moves on.

Alex I am not quite sure what I think about him yet. Like gonna wait until I’ve seen all that the game has to offer before deciding what I think about him. I don’t know I guess he isn’t a bad guy like he was someone who felt he was absolutely unloved by his family except his little brother. Who he had intense rivalry with because of the way that he was treated by his father. Is really a nice touch how all the parents who were going to kill their children acted differently towards them. Bartlet totally spoiled his son, made a shrine to him and buried him some place he was sure he’d love. Finch again spoiled his daughter, Holloway probably figured that she’d just kill the youngest simply because she had put the least time into educating Nora. But Sheppard actually had made a choice that the first born was going to be the one they sacralised and that he’d invest all his love into the first one. I mean he was clearly a good man and wanted things to be easier by staying distant but damn his reaction at finding Josh dead was definitely cold. Like not well I still have Alex but everything is lost now. Like he wasn’t even remotely happy that he could actually be close to the son he always pushed away.

Elle was nice if a bit pish. The characters were suitably sympathetic or un depending on what they had done and I like that.

Downside? The fucking controls. Like am not sure but I don’t think team Silent did this one and the programming in places is totally fucking ridiculous. Like it crashed just after I’d defeated Asphixa and I think I actually screamed out in frustration which almost never happens. Like I was so angry because the copy of the game is brand new (ha ha how obvious is it that mummy bought it for me? I never buy games new unless I am really, really looking forward to them.) and it fucking crashed. Not just that but the dodge function does have somewhat of a mind of it’s own.  Suspect you need to have some sort of sense of natural rhythm to do particularly well with it. But sometimes at random it just won’t attack and you miss that precious first strike and end up pants down, arse up and bubba behind you. The programming was a bit shit in places, I got stuck in walls a few times. And again totally fucking random buttons not working. But you know, not enough that I will be shelving the game never to play it again. Just now Alex is a sexy doctor in bloodied scrubs =D


Am so glad actually because I have been playing video games again like had stopped playing anything for awhile but since am having trouble with creativey things figured I would try playing more. Since RE5 don’t think I touched anything at all. So I started to play through the older games, have been trying to get all the cut-scenes for all the RE games and playing CV always is totally horn inducing like that game is fucking wonderful. I love just about everything about it save maybe two factors? But otherwise it’s fantastic. And then got totally fixated with Eternal Darkness and on an old CD found some fucking amazing renders of the monsters that I’d totally forgot existed like think they must have came from the original site before it went away but they are just totally beautiful. That game is wonderful. I leant my Gamecube to Liz along with the game so that she could play and am totally in with-drawl.

But that had made me think that perhaps all the games I will ever enjoy are the older ones and aren’t going to be any new ones that are actually good. Like have been really disappointed and I love the older ones so much was starting to think that there was never going to be any new ones but fuck MK versus DC, Origins and SH5 so far have all proved to be really awesome to the point of inspirational. So I think it’s safe to say that there is going to be more good in the future.


My mum has actually been quite swell, part of the whole recovery which drives me nuts is just sitting around. Like especially for the first week considering my head is still quite foggy so I can’t play with my clay or draw so I get very bored. But I also go through games like a monster soooo she actually got me MK versus DC and and and Animal Crossing for the Wii. Which has resulted in me cracking out my DS copy to get everything complete in my inventory before starting again on the City version. Am very excited about going to the city =D. Am so close to being done actually. I’ve got about four items left to get and then my set is complete. I just need to get 2 more fushes to get the museum model and the golden rod. But it needs to be summer for that and is April at the moment. Animal Crossing doesn’t really require much concentration at all so I’ve been able to play for whole weeks at a time. My garden is gorgeous and I have been chasing butterflies which I love =D The peacock ones are totally magical looking and I can’t wait until it’s firefly season as well.

And we have Arkham Asylum as well so gonna be playing that once have done with Silent Hill 5. Haze was quite nice as well like nothing hugely engaging like big business is fucking shit? NO?! REALLY?! But still it was nice to play and the way they did everything was nice enough and wasn’t offensive.   


I member the point at which I realized that I might be getting myself unnecessarily worked up before the operation. Like the first time I was worried that there was going to be a Monster inside my heart eating away at the walls and when they disturbed it with the lasers/branding tools/ whatever the things that made with the hot were disturbed it then it was going to burst through my chest and kill everyone in the surgery before escaping and leaving a blood crime scene. The second time obviously it had been established that there was definitely

But the second time I had been playing Eternal Darkness pretty much constantly and I kept thinking about Peter’s level and those two nurses that you just can’t save. Which made me think of hospitals and being in there on a stretcher once everything goes to shit. Trying to imagine that first couple of hours where you can’t move at all and getting transported to that corridor, everyone screaming and then being stuck in that world. Ugh it totally freaked me right out. Actually Beatrix you were a total star, occasionally a bit of realistic worry helps. I was rather sure something bad was going to happen but so far so good. It was rubbish, I woke up swearing at least. And demanding my husband and knowing if it worked. Being knocked out was pish. Not so bad like I guess cause I WAS TRICKED.


As per our Halloween tradition we are going to go for Pizza and to see the movie at the cinema. It’s not like the best franchise ever but it is quite awesome to go to the cinema. Isn’t so often so am quite looking forward to it. Pizza hut is actually quite awesome like I’ve grown quite fond of it. Probably cause they do pizza with red onions which are the most awesome thing ever. Like it’s so good, they don’t serve coke and on top of that, the deserts are amazing AND it’s outside which is ace.


Fuck Shattered memories is gonna be here soon as well. It’s only taken me like four days to write this but at least am done now =D